Splendid Sleep...


I have been exhausted all day for no apparent reason. I am going to go take a nap in my gloriously light and fluffy bed. Goodnight, kind of.

The Beauty That Dance Brings...


This dance quickly became one of my favorites last season. It reminded me so much of the situation that the boyfriend and I were in. We were best friends that had never taken it any further than that. It is about their decision to make it more and the struggle that he has telling her and she has giving in. It mirrors my reality so much that I cried the first time I saw it. The boyfriend had laid it all out for me and I was worried about what it would do to our friendship. If only I had known how amazing it was going to turn out, maybe I would have given in a little quicker.

It was choreographed by my season 2 favorite Travis Wall. He is amazing! And they danced it perfectly This dance is absolutely beautiful!

I seriously cannot wait for...

The Beauty That Dance Brings


I am a dancer. Through and through. I couldnt stop it if I wanted to. It is in me. It is me.

I can barely begin to explain what dancing is to me. Or what it does for me. It allows me to let go and have fun. It allows me to escape when Im not yet ready to deal. It allows me to say things that I cannot put into words. It allows me to feel free if even for a moment. I would be lost if I could not dance.

I am completely, head over heels in love with the show So You Think You Can Dance? I am so grateful that there is finally something showcasing the actual and real talent and beauty that is what I love so much about dance. Every episode leaves me glued to the screen begging for more. 

My favorite Choreographer Mia Michaels choreographed this dance. It is one of my new favorites (most of my faves are by Mia). It is a story of addiction and it proves so well that somethings are better explained/portrayed with dance rather than words. I know I couldnt relay everything I get out of this piece with pen and paper. I have to have watched this a hundred times and I still get goose bumps every time.


The L Word


The L word. Love. I love you. Im in love with you. What is it about this word, or this word combine with a few select others that can change your entire world?

Its last Sunday, and the boyfriend comes over to my apartment. It's late and I have been shooting at a wedding all day. My feet are throbbing on a perfect beat and the last thing I want to do is move. However, being surrounded by couples, kissing, and, well, love all day made me want to see the boyfriend so badly that the excitement alone was making it possible for me to actually keep my eyes open. He rolls in with his usual cool and my chest grows tight from simultaneously fighting and calming the butterflies that begin beating and fluttering the second I heard the door open.

Rewind. You see, all day I had been enveloped in love, not to mention a bit of lust once the reception started and the booze began flowing. All I did was think of him the entire time. I missed him as if I hadnt seen him in weeks, when in reality, he kissed my goodbye that morning. There was a simple yet relentless pit digging in my stomach all day. It was both good and bad. I felt enormous highs and lows all while hiding behind my camera trying my hardest to play it cool. All I wanted was to be home, or, hell anywhere, with the boyfriend. I couldnt think of anything else.

What was it? Why was I so emotional? Whats this feeling burrowing deeper within? Then, I figured it out. Im in love. I have known it for a while now, but I hadnt actually said it yet. I mean, I couldnt say it first, I just couldnt. Whether it be my "old fashioned" tendencies, waiting for the right moment, or shit, a hint of insecurity (what if he didnt say it back???), I just hadnt been able to speak the words out loud. I did however, sprinkle them around every day nonverbally. Ive shouted it to him with my glances, morris coded it into his palms (3 quick squeezes when we'd hold hands) and whispered it into every one of our kisses.

But still, I hadnt SAID it. And that day, that, was all I wanted to do. It was killing me not to say it. I was completely surrounded by love and tears and everything that those "big days" bring. I even headed toward the life's too short argument with myself. What if something were to happen, knock on wood, to one of us before I had let him know how I felt? I was then in a bit of a panic! Why hadnt I told him the second I realized it? I have been wasting all this time! What a selfish little bitch! I should call him right now and tell him! Nevertheless, right then and there, I decided I would tell him tonight. That I love him.

Fast forward back to my apartment, laying on my bed simply and easily telling each other about our days. He tells me he's starving. I tell him I might kill him if he makes me move. See, all I have in my house is edamame so Im thinking I am either going to get dragged to a restaurant or fall asleep while he leaves to pick something up. Each scenario would undoubtably hurl me into a child like fit because of the combination of exhaustion and emotional upheaval today has thrown on me. I am getting cranky and realizing I might be too tired to speak the words I had waited all day to say.

Then the boyfriend tells me if I get up and make him some edamame, he will give me a massage. "Full body?" I, of course, sarcastically reply. He says sure. What!?!?! Thats an effing deal!!! I even double check to find out if the offer was real or if my Exhaustion had brought along his friends Hallucinations and Youre Dreamin! He says he is serious. And I am seriously lucky.  Man did I boil the best batch of edamame in exsistance! And I, in a completely uneven return, got my massage. Lucky, lucky girl.

Afterwards, he climbs up and positions himself next to me and lays his head on my chest looking toward me. He lifts his head until our eyes are at the same level and he asks me if he can tell me something. I dont verbally answer, but my look gives him the go ahead.

"I think Im falling in love with you." he says with nervous eyes.
"Oh, you think so?" I say quietly with sweet sarcasm, barely able to get it out at all, through a smile so big its almost painful.
"No, I am. In love with you."
With my hand on each of his cheeks I pull him in for a kiss. Its full and soft and saying everything.
Then, I let the words I have held in my cheeks for so long, spill from my lips, "Im in love with you too."

We sit and soak it in. We are cheezy and mushy, totally disgusting and its wonderful. He admits he has, in fact, loved me for a long time and just hasnt said it. I admit to saying it with my glances, squeezes and kisses. We kiss and touch and say the words over and over again. We are perfectly happy. We are in love. And my world will never be the same.

Are you in love? Or do you have a good "I Love You" story?

What the crap!?! An Award?!? Rad!!!

Ok, so apparently, Ive won an award! A blog award! I have no idea what this means as I am new to blogging and an award virgin! Nevertheless, I think this is pretty effin awesome! Plus, I am very pleased to say that it is from one of my new favorite bloggers, Aubrey, from Made You Blush. Thank you so much! And now, I hear, the name of the game, is to tell 7 things about yourself. UGH, such a chore, as you all know how much I just haaaate to talk about myself.

  1. I am permanently glued to my IpodPhone. Seriously. You dont want to be near me if Ive lost it. 
  2. Cotton Candy is actually my favorite food.
  3. I seriously KICK ASS at PacMan!
  4. Snowboarding is the one thing that can always make me feel better.
  5. Im sarcastic about 85% of the time. Really.
  6. There are days that my passion is so intense it makes me cry for no apparent reason.
  7. I have fallen in love with my blog and everything it has done for me.

Ok, I know all thats not super awesome or anything, but hell, thats me. I am actually very excited that I got this award thingy. And of all the awards ive seen, I think that to get the "Kreativ" award is totally the best. Thank you so much again! I will be very thorough and choose some of my favorite bloggers that I really really love. So here are the blogs I would like to pass this Kreativ award on to...

Congrats you guys! I really do love all of these blogs and I think they are all very unique and worthy of a creative shout out! So now, the way this is all supposed to go, so i hear again, is that each of you tell us 7 things about yourself and then give the award to 7 more! Thanks everyone!

One Bastard of a Headache...


Last night, actually, alllll day yesterday, I had a terrible headache. Im sure it was conceived the evening before from the impetuous pairing of champange and PBR, but this wasnt your typical hangover. I promise you that.

I hadnt actually consumed very much and felt very fine in the morning with the exception of the headache. I know my limits and I followed my recipe for success (having fun, but still being able to get to work not only on time but while still actually being able to work), eat before bed, down entire glass of water, sleep, wake up a half an hour earlier to take advil, chug another glass of water, and get to lay back down before the real alarm goes off. And, for the most part, it worked. Again, I felt great, aside from the typical tired and this damn headache. 

Throughout my day said headache's intensity decided to take a bit of a rollercoaster ride, I would feel better for a while and then the next second, sharp shooting pains stemming from my neck, causing me to have to lie down. It was a blast, let me tell ya. I am glad to say, that during my most difficult tasks of the day, Mr. Headache decided to give me a break. However, I am positive now, it was out of pure pity because I later found out what he had been plotting all day long, and he definately left the worst of it, for last.

All day I had planned on cleaning my entire house and then enjoying a massive serving of down time with the boyfriend. After work, I was starving and I knew I had nothing in the house so I went to the market. Once there, the headache began to grow and since I couldnt concentrate enough to shop, I settled with some noodles from the hot wok station and began home. I couldnt wait to get myself and my new friend, Headache, home to lie down on the couch for a bit. 

Luckily, I scored a close parking spot, but still, with every step toward my apartment door, it was as if some one was twisting the knife that had been permanently lodged in the base of my skull. I spent the elevator ride with my eyes closed, giving a pep talk convincing myself I could make it down my hallway with out passing out.

Somehow I managed to dump my noodles in a bowl, get a glass of water and turn on Gilmore Girls (very low volume). I ate as much as I could (which wasnt much at all) and then stuffed my face into the back of the couch, choosing to stick sweatily to the leather rather than have any bit of light work its way through my eyelashes intensifying this bastard of a headache. 

I dont remember much, it was all a bit of a blur, but the roommate and friend came in to begin cooking some dinner and I got the signal (loud call from phone under pounding head) that the boyfriend was at the balcony. Next thing I know I am in my room, its dark and I didnt know why I was not in there the whole time, and the boyfriend is brushing hair from my forehead telling me hello. This means I must have dropped the key down to the street below, but I dont remember doing so. He saw my misery before I needed to say anything at all, one of his many talents, and asked me what I needed to feel better from the store. I told him, with a perfect description, the only pain reliever that ever takes away these kinds of headache (no, I am not a migraine virgin) and also said that if he passed a rootbeer during his travels, i wouldnt be mad if he brought it home to me.

While the boyfriend was gone searching in more than one store (he is great like that) for the perfect pain relieving cocktail, I showered and then fell asleep on top of my sheets, still in my bathrobe, my hair twisted in a towel. The presents had arrived. Another bit of a blur but I took more than the reccomended dosage of the correct little capsules, laid my head on the boyfriends lap and whispered heaps of nonsense to him as he ate his sandwich and pretended he actually understood all the words I sloppily strung together. 

We watched a movie from his laptop that was perched on his stomach, well, he watched, I slept and cursed off and on. When it was over, the asshole of a headache was softer, but still kickin. I swallowed more relief and laid in the dark for a bit. As we chatted and joked I could feel Mr. Headache slowly slipping away and I was eternally grateful to feel like myself again. After a little love sesh and a shared meal of edemame dipped in soy sauce, the boyfriend and I turned on another movie and and fell asleep wrapped in only each other, just after the opening credits. It was quite the night.

I opened my eyes this morning and whispered quiet but plentiful thank yous to the boyfriend while still slept because I honestly dont know if I could have made it through the night with out his care. I woke up with a feeling of tenseness right where Mr. Headache had taken real estate the day before and wished with everything I had that he would not settle in for a second day. I am happy to report that he has not yet showed up again and I am doing everything I can to keep it that way. 

Side Note: It is weird, these headaches I have been getting. They have been coming up a lot lately. Some times out of nowhere, sometimes (like yesterday) stemming from a hangover thing that would normally go away in an hour or so with the help of an asprin. They are very similar to my old "neck headaches", the headaches I would get after a minor car accident I was in that would, at times, leave me limp on the couch for an entire day. I am just worried because they are showing up more often and I do not know why.

Do any of you ever have headaches like the one I had yesterday? Or know why I might be getting these? Or any tips on what to do if another one show up?

This is Heaven...


I would die for this right now...



The most wasted of all days
is one without laughter.

- E. E. Cummings (1894 - 1962)
He has achieved success
who has lived well,
laughed often, and loved much.

- Bessie Stanley
The human race has one
really effective weapon,

and that is laughter.

- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Laughter is the closest distance
between two people.

- Victor Borge (1909 - 2000)
Laughing is the sensation
of feeling good all over
and showing it principally in one spot.

- Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)
I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter,
the sound of which
has always seemed to me

to be the most civilized music
in the world.

- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
You don't stop laughing
because you grow old.
You grow old
because you stop laughing.

- Michael Pritchard

The New Charges...


A few photos from my first day with the new little ones. Tell me...can you believe the hair on the little miss? and the eyes on the little guy?

Im already in love...

Anonymous vs Identified Blogging...

So, I have not been blogging for very long at all. When I first started, there was no option in my mind to go it "anonymous." Which is a little weird because I did dance around the idea of keeping the other "characters" in my stories nameless. However, after thinking about the people that would most likely read my blog (friends and family) I figured they would all know anyways. I did ask each of the people I felt would appear the most in my ramblings whether they felt comfortable with me writing about them and using their names, and since most of them dont care or know much about blogs, they were all very fine with it. So, I guess, I am an identified blogger.

I hadn't thought much further about it until I began reading a book in which the author starts a blog and keeps not only her characters but herself anonymous, or at least, she does for a while. I feel that I am pretty honest in my blog. I am, at times, brutally honest in my real life, so i guess it is easy to keep that going through my writing. But I, now, cant help but wonder what else I would say if my audience didn't actually know who I was. Would that be a good or a bad thing? This whole blogging thing has been so therapeutic. I had no idea the effect it would have on me. I have always written. I have always kept a journal of some sort. But this writing is different. Having others read my daily happenings or deepest thoughts is an amazing thing. So part of me wonders if it would be that much better if I were anonymous and could say that much more. I really have no idea.

I mean there are people that actually check in on a regular basis to see what I am writing. I still cant believe that. I absolutely love all the feedback I get. It is an indescribable feeling when you lay something so personal out there, something you cannot sort out within yourself and sometimes immediately get some one sharing their story and telling you they know exactly how you are feeling. I feel so terribly fortunate to have found and embraced this outlet. Everything has been idyllic thus far and I do not know why I am not questioning the way I am doing things. Am I being selfish? Thinking if I were to have gone it anonymous I could be getting even more out of this? Or would I hate it? I have always been a bit of a spotlight addict. What if still got praise for my writing and honesty but no one actually knew who I was. Would I be as satisfied? I still do not know.

I guess the reason I am writing about this today is because I am craving a bit of a response. This is a topic I would love to hear other peoples views on. Are you anonymous or identified? What are the pros and cons of each? Any additional views or opinions would be greatly appreciated. I love a good discussion, so anything is welcomed! Thanks and I cant wait to hear from all of you!

Letter to a Friend...


This is a 2 part post. Why? Because the second part sprouted from the first and instead to two seperate posts, I have decided to combine them.

A few months ago I had read a review about a new book called Rattled by Christine Coppa. For some reason I was drawn to it and a couple weeks ago I finally bought it. The story was true and began with a girl in her later twenties that finds out she is pregnant. Her boyfriend, who she hadnt been with for very long, was pretty quickly out of the picture, leaving her a single mother before her child had even arrived.

I cant actually put my finger on the reason I loved this book so much. She was not the best writer I have ever read, but there was something about the ease of her words that drew me in and cemented the cover to my palms. I simply could not put it down. Her story was inspirational. She grew up and made so many positive changes in the short 9 months while she prepared for her babys arrival.

Though their stories are very different, reading this book made me think of my best friend, Andi. The differences are great: Andi has an amazing fiance that was by her side the entire time, and I also feel that she was just naturally much more prepared for a child than this author. She has always been a mother, she just hadnt had her baby yet.

There were a few parts where the authors friends would come over bringing her care packages and having weekly get togethers through out her pregnancy. This struck a chord with me and I have not been able to let it go. I know that I stood by Andi through her pregnancy. I was after all the one with her in my tiny bathroom when the plus sign appeared. I was there for her enough, or so I thought at the time. These days I have changed my mind and this is why, today, I write to her.

My Dearest Andi,
I am so proud of you and the woman you have become, I can barely put it into words. During your pregnancy you kept a positive attitude and did your best at dismissing stresses all for the sake of your child. During your labor you had a strength in you that i truly didnt know existed. You fought so hard and did an amazing job. I am so grateful I got to be there and be a part of Bryce coming into this world. You were absolutely stunning. And over the last 10 months, I have watched you blossom into the most amazing mother. You are an inspiration and no one could ask you to do a better job than you are doing with your son.

Although I mean all of those things from the bottom of my heart, they are not the reason for this letter. My apology, however, is. I am sorry for not being there more for you. I know that we have always led different lives and since your having a baby, our lives couldnt get any further away from similar. I should have made more of an effort. During your pregnancy and after, I should have went out of my way and had at least a weekly dinner with you. You have never asked much out of our friendship and now having the time to look back and see a little bit of how hard and lonely it all could have been, I know I should have done more. There is no excuse for it, I should have made you a bigger priority. You didnt deserve it. You have always been there for me when I needed you in any way.

It is simply killing me now that I cannot go back and change this. Now that you and Bryce are a huge priority for me, but we live in different towns, I know how stupid it was for me to neglect our friendship when it was just an arms length from me. I am deeply sorry for not recognizing what exactly you have been going through. I hope you can accept my apology and notice the strides I am making to be sure something like this doesnt happen again. I love you and cannot wait for our next visit.

With love,

My Life's Soundtrack


I am having a wonderful day thus far...and this song is playing in its background.

David Gray - This Years Love

Happy Weekend...


Even thought, when I look out my window into the city, all I see are endless amounts of bloated drops of rain, I am already having an amazing weekend. Its has been and will continue to be overflowing with my greatest friends. Two of my best have come up to stay in Portland and I couldn't be happier. I am taking a break from writing this weekend to enjoy this amazing company and pray for a little more sunshine this summer. Happy Weekend!

Everything Happens For a Reason...


Well, I was right. Weird how that happens sometimes. In all of my experience with jobs, every time something had fizzled out, or in this case, had been completely stamped out, something better was waiting for me just around the corner. That is why it was pretty easy for me to keep a good perspective on all of this.

I had met a wonderful family on Sunday evening. We both just fell in love with each other. There was truly an instant comfort and friendship. I was so excited at the prospect of working with such adorable little children (7 month old girl and a 3 year old boy) and some of the greatest, most laid back and generous parents I have encountered. It all reminded me of my best job yet and the bond that I had created and still carry with the family. I was ecstatic!

So Wednesday, I went back over there for the second meeting for a few more questions and to meet the Grandma! It was great. And...I got hired! I got the job! I couldnt be more: grateful, happy, excited, appreciative, etc. It is an amazing position and opportunity. Great kids, with a great schedule, amazing bosses, tons of time off, and a situation that allows me to be a great nanny while pursuing the other passions in my life. I am blessed.

It all goes to show that everything happens for a reason. With change comes opportunity, and I am ready. I am so ready.

An unexpected ending...


So when Mo's mom decided to let me go, she gave me two weeks notice. The ticking clock left me with mixed emotions but I chose to take the time I had left and savor the moments with Mo. Tomorrow was set to be my last day as Mo's nanny but yesterday at noon I got a curve ball. I received a text from Mo's mom saying that their new nanny ended up being able to work this week and since she was going to be out of town on business next week, she felt it was necessary to get the new nanny acclimated before she left. It was a fairly long and detailed message but the only words I saw during the first run through was, "so today will be your last day." I immediately burst into tears.

Being a nanny is a wonderful but very different job. I have had other jobs, office jobs to be more precise,  and have gotten attached to everyone there too. It is always hard to leave people you have become close with, but nothing compares to leaving a child. The bond created between a nanny and a child (especially full time) is so strong. I still believe this is best for both parties, but logic went straight out the window yesterday. I was supposed to have 2 more days with him! It was hard enough trying to prepare myself for the goodbyes that Thursday had in store for me, but to find out at noon that I only had hours left with my little buddy was just too much to handle.

I got the news while Mo was taking his nap and thank goodness I had some alone time to recover and gain control of myself after a minor meltdown. When I heard Mo wake up and start calling for me, "YaYa!", I went straight into his room. Some days he wakes up in a bit of a daze and likes to lay there a couple of minutes so I usually lean over the side of his crib asking him about his dreams and he, for some reason, always says he dreamt of cows. But today I went into the first of many speeches trying my hardest to explain to a 20 month old that I will not be coming back tomorrow like I always to do play with him. I said things like: I wont be coming back in the morning, I wish I could come back and play with you but I cant for a while, some one else new and fun will come to play with you, I will miss you, ect. ect. But then I was interrupted by Mo's post nap haze mumblings and asked him to repeat, "what MoMo?" I then heard Mo say quietly and surely, "Love you." He knew. He did understand what I was saying to him, in some sense, as much as a toddler could at this point. I scooped him up and told him I loved him too. We slowly twirled around his room. I hummed. He rested his tiny but heavy head on my shoulder. The moment was near perfect. Then, during mid twirl, Mo farted on me. He lifted his head and as we both looked at each other, he cracked the biggest smile and began singing "tooty! tooty!" We both laughed hysterically and I told him again, "boy, am I gonna miss you Mo! The moment had turned into perfection.

The rest of the day is a bit of a blur at this point. But I made sure to spend our last half hour playing our favorite rowdy games upstairs in his after-bath-diaper. They consist of running around, "hiding" from each other, and endless tossing on the bed tickle fights! Then, Mo's mom came upstairs. She was holding the video camera and I thought she was probably trying to document some of our games for Mo to watch, so I continued on with the chasing and tickling. After a few minutes and some "last day" photos, we headed downstairs. I got my last paycheck and it was time for goodbyes. Mo was extremely concerned, as usual, about getting his milk and was in a bit of a fit about it. I thought I was gonna have to leave with out my goodbye hug. But mid tantrum our eyes finally met and he reached out for me. He gave me the tightest squeeze and then rested his forehead against mine. I quietly told him that I loved him, I wouldnt be coming back for a little while, and that I would miss him very very much. As both me and Mo's mom began to tear up a bit, Mo said to me in his jagged but soft toddler talk, "Love you. Missss you. Come back soon." Thats when I lost it a bit. I left Mo's house with an invite to drop by anytime I missed Mo (something I wasnt totally sure would happen as I have never been "let go" before) and the feeling that Mo did, in some way, grasp and understand what was going on.

"Bye, Ill miss you buddy!" I said as I walked out the door. I turn to wave and heard him reply, "Miss you, bud-dee!" I love and will genuinely miss that little guy. He is my bud. He is my pal. He is Mo.


[par-uh-shoot] noun, verb, -chut·ed, -chut·ing.
a folding, umbrellalike, fabric device for allowing a person, to float down safely through the air from a great height.

“But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” — American Beauty