The L word. Love. I love you. Im in love with you. What is it about this word, or this word combine with a few select others that can change your entire world?
Its last Sunday, and the boyfriend comes over to my apartment. It's late and I have been shooting at a wedding all day. My feet are throbbing on a perfect beat and the last thing I want to do is move. However, being surrounded by couples, kissing, and, well, love all day made me want to see the boyfriend so badly that the excitement alone was making it possible for me to actually keep my eyes open. He rolls in with his usual cool and my chest grows tight from simultaneously fighting and calming the butterflies that begin beating and fluttering the second I heard the door open.
Rewind. You see, all day I had been enveloped in love, not to mention a bit of lust once the reception started and the booze began flowing. All I did was think of him the entire time. I missed him as if I hadnt seen him in weeks, when in reality, he kissed my goodbye that morning. There was a simple yet relentless pit digging in my stomach all day. It was both good and bad. I felt enormous highs and lows all while hiding behind my camera trying my hardest to play it cool. All I wanted was to be home, or, hell anywhere, with the boyfriend. I couldnt think of anything else.
What was it? Why was I so emotional? Whats this feeling burrowing deeper within? Then, I figured it out. Im in love. I have known it for a while now, but I hadnt actually said it yet. I mean, I couldnt say it first, I just couldnt. Whether it be my "old fashioned" tendencies, waiting for the right moment, or shit, a hint of insecurity (what if he didnt say it back???), I just hadnt been able to speak the words out loud. I did however, sprinkle them around every day nonverbally. Ive shouted it to him with my glances, morris coded it into his palms (3 quick squeezes when we'd hold hands) and whispered it into every one of our kisses.
But still, I hadnt SAID it. And that day, that, was all I wanted to do. It was killing me not to say it. I was completely surrounded by love and tears and everything that those "big days" bring. I even headed toward the life's too short argument with myself. What if something were to happen, knock on wood, to one of us before I had let him know how I felt? I was then in a bit of a panic! Why hadnt I told him the second I realized it? I have been wasting all this time! What a selfish little bitch! I should call him right now and tell him! Nevertheless, right then and there, I decided I would tell him tonight. That I love him.
Fast forward back to my apartment, laying on my bed simply and easily telling each other about our days. He tells me he's starving. I tell him I might kill him if he makes me move. See, all I have in my house is edamame so Im thinking I am either going to get dragged to a restaurant or fall asleep while he leaves to pick something up. Each scenario would undoubtably hurl me into a child like fit because of the combination of exhaustion and emotional upheaval today has thrown on me. I am getting cranky and realizing I might be too tired to speak the words I had waited all day to say.
Then the boyfriend tells me if I get up and make him some edamame, he will give me a massage. "Full body?" I, of course, sarcastically reply. He says sure. What!?!?! Thats an effing deal!!! I even double check to find out if the offer was real or if my Exhaustion had brought along his friends Hallucinations and Youre Dreamin! He says he is serious. And I am seriously lucky. Man did I boil the best batch of edamame in exsistance! And I, in a completely uneven return, got my massage. Lucky, lucky girl.
Afterwards, he climbs up and positions himself next to me and lays his head on my chest looking toward me. He lifts his head until our eyes are at the same level and he asks me if he can tell me something. I dont verbally answer, but my look gives him the go ahead.
"I think Im falling in love with you." he says with nervous eyes.
"Oh, you think so?" I say quietly with sweet sarcasm, barely able to get it out at all, through a smile so big its almost painful.
"No, I am. In love with you."
With my hand on each of his cheeks I pull him in for a kiss. Its full and soft and saying everything.
Then, I let the words I have held in my cheeks for so long, spill from my lips, "Im in love with you too."
We sit and soak it in. We are cheezy and mushy, totally disgusting and its wonderful. He admits he has, in fact, loved me for a long time and just hasnt said it. I admit to saying it with my glances, squeezes and kisses. We kiss and touch and say the words over and over again. We are perfectly happy. We are in love. And my world will never be the same.
Are you in love? Or do you have a good "I Love You" story?