My house is empty. He's gone. My brother left today. Not defeated just tripped up. Unfortunately my landlord doesn't want him here, I won't get into all of that, but I couldn't be more heartbroken. I hadn't realized how far away from each other we had gotten. We really don't know each other, not deep down, not as much as I have always wanted to. But these last two weeks have been great. He finally let me in, a little, and we got to hang out, really hang out. We got to just be with each other and I can't believe how long it has been since we have really done that. I am so grateful for the time we did get though. I just wish I could have done more for him, given him longer to figure it all out. I wanted more time with him. I hope so badly that he finds a direction and his purpose. He is my brother, my constant, and I need him to be ok. Not just for him, but for me. Today, I am just devastated that the chance for him to find his way along side me was taken away and there is nothing I can do about it. While I am sad, and lonely I am keeping faith that everything happens for a reason and he will be fine. But for tonight I am laying on my couch across from the love-seat he would be occupying if he were still here, and i am being sad. I am looking at my clean home and missing the clutter, and the corner where his stuff had landed that is now only collecting dust now and letting it all set it. Tonight I will be sad and tomorrow i will be ok. Or at least I will try.
Remember when we were just friends and we would tell each other everything?
Remember when you made the cd? The one that showed your true feelings. By accident.
Remember when you couldn't be my friend, not the same way, and I got mad?
Remember when I gave in and let it's all happen? Let us happen.
Remember when we kissed on the corner, in front of everyone cause we couldn't wait til my apartment a block away?
Remember when we drove to the beach, last minute, in the fall and drank wine from a box?
Remember when I tackled you in the video store and made out with you on the floor, and just didn't care?
Remember when we would go to the same resturant? Over and over again. And loved it.
Remember when we would drink wine every night and get lost in shows together?
Remember when I couldnt sleep and you drove to two stores, at midnight, to find the right medicine to ease my pain?
Remember when we stayed in on new years?
Remember when we felt so safe with each other?
Remember when there were thoughts of forever?
Remember when we could fall into our own little world? Just us.
Remember when the rose petals stained?
Remember when we were just perfect for each other?
Remember when one kiss could take all the pain away.
Remember when we were enough? Enough to fix anything.
Remember when we were great?
Cause now, that is all I can remember.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
1. Sequins and scrubs make one hell of a party outfit. 2. I didnt go to CU Boulder, but sometimes it feels like I did! 3. I miss my Goblin crew. 4. I cant believe my little Opal is 2 years old already. 5. I love having my brother here with me. 6. Communication really is the key. 7. Im not really a fan of Breaking Bad like everyone said id be. 8. I just want to make a difference, a real difference. 9. My best friend and I are planning our spring break. Its gonna be good. 10. I couldnt care less about the super bowl. Really.
Still my favorite photo Ive ever taken of my brother.
So, my little brother has "moved in" with me. Not permanently, just until he figures out his next move. He hasnt really found his way yet and I am hoping to help him out a little. I hope that him leaving Eugene and getting a glimpse of Portland will help him to see that there are a lot more options out there. Eugene can be a bit of a suck hole. I never made any real moves until I left, it really is hard. So far he hasnt left my apartment much, which isnt his fault. Its a hard town to navigate and I have been working the whole time. I however have friday off and plan to show him the ropes.
So far he has been a big help with Dexter. Not having to crate Puppy while I leave is so wonderful. Plus my brother is such a dog person, he has taken to his new role of puppy sitter very well. Other than that we have done a lot of movie watching together and late night snacking. It is really nice getting to know him a little more. We havent been as close as I would have like the past few years. However, it is getting dangerously close to fire time. He is not just crashing with me for shits and giggles. He needs to start getting a plan together and making some moves. I am open to any and all suggestions that you may have with lighting a fire under ones ass.
Any tips, stories or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I love him and his company, but this aint no soup kitchen.
“But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” — American Beauty