Im contradicting myself tonight. I feel so strong. Solid and sure. I also feel defeated and stretched. Hot and shivering. My path is clear, eyes direct, and I'm swerving. How can I be so many things? I burn inside, but I feel my fire wavering. Since when am I so composed? I want to lose it again. I want to get so burned up I can't contain it. I could use a shake up, a break in routine, a slap in the face. Im sure it will come, right when I need it. Until then, I will will continue with this internal tug of war and be grateful for what I am. I am content with myself, confident with rolling the dice. I am a living contradiction and I feel alive.
So I just watched Blue Valentine. I hated it. Most of it. I will bitch slap the person that suggested it to me. I love love stories. This was great at times, miserable at others. It hit too close to home with the negative ends of my last relationship. But, I love both of these actors so so much and can appreciate the wonderful job that they did with this.
The part that made watching this all worth it? This wonderful quote from Ryan Goslings character Dean.
"I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, 'cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option... 'Oh he's got a good job.' I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around. "
I have thought this many times before but have never been able to word it so perfectly. I think this is so and too often true.
“a true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. a soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.”
1. Pulling a "hermit" weekend when the sun finally decides to shine is a bad plan. 2. The fire pit in my backyard is so boss. 3. If you ask me if a want a beer enough times, I will say yes! 4. Puppy sitting (overnight) is exhausting for everyone!!! 5. I love Dexter more than ever. 6. Im a mess. A wonderful wandering mess. 7. I want to go horseback riding. 8. Black Swan did not scare me. At all. Thats saying something since most crime scene shows can! 9. I love MAD MEN. I love MAD MEN. 10. I such amazing and encouraging friends. Lucky lucky girl!
“But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” — American Beauty