In the midst of all of this....I am still blissfully HAPPY.

There is a lot going on in my little life right now. There are a lot of possible direction changes that I am not completely sure I have any control over. Usually this lack of control causes me to be a little anxious, however I have remained pretty cool and content through it all. There are times that my mind goes to a dark place and I wonder what will happen to me if things dont turn around. But in the deepest part of me there is a confidence calming me and letting me know it will all be ok. I just know something great is in store for me at this fork in the road and I am just drinking in all of the opportunity. I know still that I have amazing people in my life that will not let me down. And more importantly, I feel for the first time in a long time, I know I have my own back. I am more determined than ever to make it. And for all of this, I am immensely grateful.

Maybe deep down my anxiety is frantically flirting will all my worry, but up here I cannot get my head out of the happy clouds or wipe the eternal smile off my face.

Endless Job Hunt Brings Me To THIS...

This is me...today. After an interview this morning I have been off and on the computer all day job hunting and sending out and receiving emails! Its driving me a little bananas...hence...

Wait...No More Mo?

So today it hit me. One more week and I will no longer be Mo's nanny. My little bud. My Bug. My Boog. The little guy I taught to play basketball and run the bases. Today Mo told me he loved me("lave uuuuu") and hugged me so tight it was like he knew soon I wouldn't be running through the door every morning yelling, "MO MO, how were your dreams!" There is nothing sweeter than feeling his tiny little arms linking perfectly in the nape of my neck as I cradle his miniature body with my seemingly massive arms. I cant believe I wont hear him yell my name(Ya-Ya) in the midst of a tickle attack pleading with me to "stop", then immediately choking out, "do agin. do agin." And I wont here him whisper crib when he is done rocking in the chair on my lap and ready to go to sleep. And I wont be the one he runs to when he gets hurt chanting "YaYa kiss, YaYa kiss." Who am I gonna talk to about my friend drama with out Mo around. He always listens and replies with the most appropriate of advice..."YaYa kitty, APPLE!" I know it is a good change and that I need to being doing something else right now, but I hate the thought of not giving him his nightly bath and then letting him run across the living room screaming, "Naket boy! Naket boy!" I will miss this little dude. More than I ever thought I could.

"You're Fired!" "Thank You!"

Last Thursday I was "let go" from my job as Mo's nanny that I have had since January. My boss simply stated that she no longer felt it was a good match and could not offer me any further explanations than that, even after I asked her twice. What? You are "letting go" the person that has watched your child for 10 hours a day, 4 days a week for 9 months because you no longer "feel it is a good fit", and you cant give any insight as to why? That is just crazy to me. Especially, since I also feel that it is not a good match, however, I have felt this way from the start and could give you a specific list of reasons and examples as to why. I thought about quitting a million times but always chickened out and then gave myself some fleeting motivation by lying and saying it was a challenge I had to overcome. Blah blah blah.

I may seem a little heated about the situation but, at the time, I took the news very well. I was as if my boss had finally MADE the decision I was trying so desperately to make. It is the kick in the pants that I need to finally put this PLAN in to order. Let me explain, for about three months I have had this plan that I have been waiting (procrastinating) to put into action. My plan was to find another nanny job that is a better match and working less days than I work now. Then I would try my hardest to talk some one in to giving me a bartending job a few nights a week to supplement my income. This would leave me (in theory) to have more days to work on my photography and getting myself and my portfolio "out there". That is the biggest thing for me right now! I always thought about making this happen around September however I have not made any sort of stride in that direction. This cool comfort zone seems to be cemented to my ankles I swear. And now, here I am, handed this new direction, put in place by some one else, giving me two weeks of notice, leaving me, on SEPTEMBER 3rd, free to put my plan in to gear!

So this beautiful little flame under my ass comes in the ironic translation of my boss's bad news last week...You're Fired! I ended the conversation with some sort of unconvincing bummer, while, im sure, my face was screaming THANK YOU!!! Thank you Mo's mom for forcing me to get my shit together.

Im so much talk its ridiculous. Its really disappointing at times. I have all of these huge dreams and goals and so much I want to do, but i rarely do anything about it. I so often get stuck in my everyday, strictly maintaining. This is the thing I fear the most, settling. I cant stand the idea of just settling for what ever works or gets me by at the time. It is finally time to, ew, grow up. Its scary and I know it is going to take everything that I have every day to not slip back into my "comfort zone." But it is time.

So now, here I am, again, on the job hunt. Still looking to nanny, because Im good at it, it is the job I know I can get, and I wont have to take a drop in pay. I am also keeping an eye out for a bar that would like to take a chance on a girl with absolutely no cocktail experience but an abundance of charm just waiting to be forced upon the nearest drunk kid needing another vodka redbull! And finally, I am going to throw myself into photography. Back to never leaving my camera home and always looking for new things to shoot! I will network like its going out of style. Its a new page, that I didnt even need to turn.

Today...

I wish I was here...

To be layered up, shielded from the cool, slightly violent winds that cease the fire that has been flickering inside me for so many days. To be solo on the sand finally fulfilling the state of silence I have been craving for so many days. To be covered by flowing hair, leaving me unrecognized by all of the people I have been surrounded by for so many days.

And...to be able to look out in to the infinite beauty that is the ocean on a day so gloomy the crowded clouds melt into the weightless water leading the search for answers Ive been on for so many days... further and further away from my grasp.

This is the unsatisfying solitude I need today.

The Cast (Introductions)

The main characters in my life's script...

The Soulmate - Andi

Andi and i met my first year in college through our boyfriends had been friends for years. We connected immediately though looking back, im not sure why at they time. I was a partier and she was a home body. However, the infancy of our friendship was spent taking far too many shots of SoCo and laughing on the kitchen floor of my, then, boyfriends apartment. Since then our relationship has grown into something quite different.

Andi is a learner and a deep thinker. She loves her friends and family with a fierce passion i have yet to see paralleled. She has an amazing fiance that she has been with for six years and is marrying next summer. And she has created the most adorable baby boy on the planet, the closest thing i have to a nephew, Bryce Lynden Rosati-Boggs.She is an amazing person and friend!

Andi is my Soulmate. We connect on such a deep level that I can not even begin to explain it. She grounds me like no one else can. She has this calm and cool way of putting my hectic and heated life into a clear perspective. She is my sister and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about her and the beautiful life she is creating with her little family. She is one of the best mothers I know and she inspires me every day.

The Partner in Crime - Rachelle

Rachelle and I met when we were eleven years old at a birthday party. It was an instantaneous union stemming from our matching height (SHORT) and our mutual love for the middle school heartthrob Mathew McEldowney. We were inseparable through out middle school and most of high school. After a minor friendship vacation, on my twenty first birthday, we were reunited and attached at the hip yet again!

Rachelle is the strong silent type. Not one to talk about feelings, she loves all things sports related and can hold her own with the guys. She is a tomboy that can rock pumps like its nobody's business. On a typical day you can find her downloading music and counting down the days until Duck Football Season.

Rachelle is my partner in crime. We get into the best kinds of trouble together. Whether its running the dance floor or the countless "adventures" we always seem to find ourselves in, we always have the best time. We are so different its sometimes painful, but we always find our common ground. She is my friend that no matter how long we don't talk or see each other for, we can hang out and laugh about things like they were yesterday.

The Boyfriend - Phil

I guess that Phil and I met in high school, though the actual introduction holds no real estate in my memory. Yes, we knew of each other, but our circles would rarely collide. After high school it was as if Phil fell off the face of the earth as far as I was concerned. I had no idea where he was or what he was doing and never often heard his name. Last fall after bumping into each other in Eugene, we began meeting up at friendly neighborhood bars and Duck games when he came home. In January, while our friendship was still in its infancy, I made the big "move" to Portland. The couch in which I crashed on four nights a week was in the neighborhood next to Phil's, thus forcing our sporadic social ceremonies to blossom in to full blown weekly forecasts. Our relationship was odd in the sense that we had no real development. Most friendships start and there is a gradual growth into a deeper connection. Not us. We had our random hangouts in Eugene as acquaintances straight into best friend status. We had no "getting to know each other" phase, we just did. From the jump, we were able to talk about anything and everything, and were never too timid to call each other out on bull shit. We were instantly Best Friends.

Phil is the funny guy. You can always find him entertaining a crowd. I hang out with his "characters" as often as i hang out with his actual self. He will make you laugh no matter how badly you don't want to and he will sing improvised song after song no matter how many times you ask him to stop. He's a man's man, that's for sure, and probably why we get along so well. He values his friends over most everything else and anyone that knows him would agree. He is talented and driven and there is no doubt in my mind that he will make a positive impact and difference on everyone he encounters, as he has on me.

Phil is not only my Boyfriend, but my best friend. He is the one I tell everything to. He cheers me up when I am down and takes such amazing care of me. I never thought that our friendship could have gotten any better or meant more to me, until it took its turn and lead us into our relationship. We have the most fun just doing nothing together. We compliment each other. He chills me out when I just wanna party too much and I make him get up and have fun when he is being a lame old grandpa! We fit and I am eternally grateful he has come into my life.

The Roommate - Kaite

Kaite and I met in middle school. She was the cool confident girl that wasn't afraid to be herself. I was the awkward intimidated girl that was good at pretending I was cool and confident! Lucky for me the person she wasn't afraid to be was a big giant dork just like me. We clicked and decided to geek out together. We loved SanRio and passing endless notes! She has always been a bit "alternative" and I was always so jealous of that! Even in middle school she seemed to know exactly who she was! Unfortunately in high school, we lost touch. She went off to the big bad private school while I was sent with most of our mid school buds towards the public spot. In college I followed her, via blogs and facebook, as she traveled the world and kicked ass at college life. Again I wished I could trade lives with her. Then one faithful day, I got a facebook message asking me if I needed a roommate in the big city! Since I was still couch surfing and not finding any studios I could afford, I answered with a gigantic and enthusiastic yes. That is when we moved into Apartment 513!

Kaite is simply the coolest. She is a down to earth chic with big goals. It is hard to relay just how loved this girl is, but I will try with an example...when I first started telling people that she was to be my new roommate, everyone I knew would reply by telling me just how much they adore her and that she was on all of their top 5 favorite people ever. I seriously don't know one person that does not love her (OK I know ONE, but its a fluke!). You can find her wearing dresses and sipping whiskey with the boys. She loves to designing and crafts! She loves snowboarding and cats. She loves happy hour and boys with lip rings. She hates cheese and will puke if talk about pickles. Most of all, she loves her friends and family, and they all love her.

Kaite is my Roommate. But as the time and rent checks keep passing, we are becoming better and better friends again! I call her Kaite, Kait, Kitten, Kitty and Goblin. She listens to my like no one ever has. We are pretty similar in many ways, we can both be crazy and loud and offend people with our sarcasm, while on the very same day we can just veg out for a while and ponder life while looking at them bums from our balcony. We both love boys and goblins and at least once a day say the very same thing and the very same time! I learn so much from her everyday and I am so happy about where our friendship is right now and where it will head in the future.

The Mother - Mom

I guess I met my mother in the womb. I don't remember much about it but, man, have I heard stories. In the beginning I loved to make my mother puke and puke, and as her pregnancy went on I loved to get hiccups at the most inappropriate of times. At the same time my mother became responsible for bestowing me with my life long sweet tooth as she couldn't stop eating vanilla ice cream the whole time I was in her belly. I'm sure I didn't complain. My mother loved to dress me up in the girliest clothing until about kindergarden when she stepped aside and allowed me to become a TomBoy. A devastating blow to her I'm sure, as she had always wanted a little girl to do all of those little girl things with. However, she was always by my boyish side watching every soccer game and always being the loudest, most Italian mother on the sidelines.

My mother is amazing. She knows who she is and never apologies for it. She is loud and animated and completely Italian. She loves her family more than anything on the planet. She loves Gone With the Wind and All My Children. She hates humidity and ignorance. She cries just about every time she sees me dance. She loves to stay home and be cozy. She is content with where her life is and I love that about her.

She is my Mother. She and I didn't always get along (high school), but she has always always been there for me. I resemble her both physically and personally. She knows me in and out and has always encouraged me. She is my biggest supporter. She has made me the person that I am today and I accredit most of my positive traits to her raising. I love her more than life and I cant imagine a day with out her. She is my Mother.

The Father- Dad

I met my father the second I was born. While my mom was knocked out on the operating table my dad was the first one to hold me. Again, I don't remember the play by play or anything, i was only minutes old at this point, but his entire world melted. I had my father wrapped around my finger when I was a little girl (i think i still might). He taught me all the "dad" stuff and I was the epitome of a daddy's girl. In elementary school we would watch basketball games together and he would help me with all of the endless sports i was a part of. He was my dad, and he knew everything.

My father is the greatest dad in the entire world. I just know it has to be true. He is genuine and generous. He values his family above everything else. He is a provider til the end. Children and animals fall head over hills for him. He loves to BBQ and entertain. He is a project guy and cant stand it if he doesn't have something to do. He thinks he can dance, but he cannot. And he is absolutely discontent unless every one in his family is taken care of and satisfied.

My father and I have always adored each other. He takes care of me, simply and entirely, and I don't know what I would ever do with out him. I giggle at him when he tries his "tough love" strategy because he is a gigantic softy. He too has stood by my every move and I couldn't be more grateful for the male role model in my life. My car would never run with out this man and i truly believe that my life couldn't run with out him either. He has taught me what a man is and that I can never settle for anyone less than the kind of a man he is. I love him so much. He is my Father.

The Brother - Blake

My brother and I met the day he was born. I was 2 years 1 month and 12 days old. He was teeny tiny and I took an instant liking to him. He was mine, my little brother. Every day I would kiss his feet and teach him everything I knew. We were best friends. As we grew more and more we went from best friends to brother and sister. He would annoy my friends and I at every opportunity and I would tease him as often as I could. Our age and grade difference pulled us apart through my middle school and most of high school years. Until I was a senior and he was a freshman. I loved seeing my little bro in the hallways of "my" school. He was always surrounded by an entourage of admirers, he was quite the ladies man. I'm sad to say but my college years haven't pulled us any closer. We live opposite lives.

Blake is a genuinely good person. He knows right from wrong and loves the people he holds close to him. Every one just loves him however, he is very selective about the people he actually lets into his life, we are very different in the aspect. He is pretty calm and reserved but has a that temper could rival the Hulk. He isn't sure what his calling is yet, none of us are either. He love love loves music. He is an amazing drummer and can play just about any instrument he picks up. He is a bit of a home body, like the rest of my family, but enjoys going out for a good time. He is insanely generous and will do great things...once he starts doing things.

Blake is my brother. We have always had an amazingly fierce and intense bond. We always have each others backs and have fought for each other more than once. These days we don't spend very much time together as we are very opposite in the way we live, but when we do, it is a complete riot. We can get each other laughing better than anyone else. We know just how to push each others buttons and also how to snap each other out of a funk. He is my little bro and I will never be content until he fulfills all of the potential that i know he has. I love him more than any one else Ive ever met beyond infancy and couldn't imagine life, past and future, with out him. He is my Brother.

The Job - Mo

I met Mo when I moved to Portland. I met him at my first job interview. I got the job as a nanny. My job is Mo.

Mo is now 22 months old. He is loud, and loves to throw tantrums. He is blonde haired and blue eyed and sure makes the ladies swoon on the playground. He is now speaking in sentences and recognizing colors and shapes. He loves water (wa wa) and basketball (bakt ba). He loves cats and my friends. He hates getting his hair washed and coming inside from playing. He can be the sweetest little thing in the world, right before the turns into the toddler devil. He is Mo, and he is a baby.

Mo is my job. We have a love/hate relationship. We love to play together, and we both hate meal time. I teach him the ABC's and he teaches me patience. I spend most of my days with him, which has its ups and downs. Most my days with him are very trying, but I never smile bigger than I do when he is in belly laughs over tickles or something funny I said. He is Mo and he is my Job.

Me

This is me. Some days I am young and stupid while others I am old and wise. On my worst days I am old and stupid and everyday I wish to be young and wise. I value laughter and good people over everything else.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

OK, so I know I wrote this huge claimful entry saying I was going to be this avid blogger and all, then, one entry later and I am on a 2 and a half week break. This is my apoligy and explination... I made this vow to blog at the worst possible time. I had to send my computer in for repair and have only had a few minutes at a time online on borrowed computers. Lame, I know, but this is the case. I should get my computer back at some point next week, but until then, I wont be able to post as much as I would like. Please check back soon as I will be posting little randoms as I have the time and soon enough, I will be connected again. Ill be back to bloggin soon! Thanks!