Choosing

"Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live, and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now."

Paul Coelho,  Brida

Wander.

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Thank goodness. 

I feel like all I do is wander. 

From thought to thought. 

Day to day. 

Dream to dream.

Finding my way. 

Big girls say...

all great changes

lets freaking hope so.

Im not perfect.

This week has been bananas for me! I have had a few things go terribly wrong and am trying my best to make some freaking lemonade! A couple of these things were out of my control but one was most definitely my fault. WOOPS! I am currently paying for past mistakes, that damn karma, she really can be a bitch sometimes.  But, im stepping up, owning my poor decisions and trying to spin things till they look shiny enough for me. Cant wait till this is over and I can look back a laugh. But for now I am riding it out, doing my best to get through this storm. Party on party people!

...

...

regret.

Im ready.

Its happening, yet again. 

My stagnant heart has been banging around in my chest for days. 

Weeks actually. 

Im so tired of these sobering actions and stances. 

Let me be drunk please. 

Let me be drunk with love and fury. 

Let my days be full of emotions and everything. 

And my nights full of whispers and lust.

Let me lose sleep over things that threaten forever but are always fine in the mornings. 

Where is the fire?

Im ready. 

Right now.

fear

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You gain strength, courage, and confidence by
 every experience in which you really stop to look
 fear in the face. You must do the thing which you
 think you cannot do.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

my heart, my messes.

Why is my heart always flirting with disaster? Why must i allow myself just enough to keep me wanting more? Why do I set up the road blocks only to kick them over time to time, for quick glimpses of gratification? How is it possible to desire chaos so severely, while at the very same moments, my actions only serve to guard and avoid even the slightest of waves.


Why not step out of my own way? Allowing my heart to make a mess of things once in a while. Oh, to get so swept up in a mess that each breath gets tripped up in the throat and all the words to describe it get caught between tongue and lip. There is beauty is the unmanageable. Real, raw, unfiltered beauty to be experienced and enjoyed.


Is not having to clean up the debris and stand up for made mistakes worth never having the indescribable feelings and emotions that can undoubtedly make me feel absolutely alive? Perhaps my heart isn't the one flirting with disaster. Maybe its my not allowing the heart what it calls for that is the real disaster.

dreamy

please

Please dont talk to me. 

I fall in love too easily.

let me be

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“Let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry…have too much to eat. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost.”
— Betty Smith (A tree grows in Brooklyn)

mad

wait

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“ Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person; wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a tee shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. And most of all, wait for the person who will put you up at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong. “

Beautiful.

The less you reveal.

"The less you reveal, the more people can wonder." -Emma Watson

What a thought. 

A crush.

Having a crush is one of our original human impulses – it is the feeling of seeing in another person characteristics that compliment your being so well that you feel impelled to join their life with yours if even for only a little while. It is a strong, passionate longing for a partnership with a person that has something you don’t have and could never possess. It is a magnetic desire for an image of beauty fetched from youth. It is a flood of emotion so mentally overwhelming that it affects your physical being. Having a crush makes me feel young and alive. It takes me over in the most amazing way.

an endless beat

There comes a time in every day when my world gets quiet and the only thing left is my heart.
Thoughts clear.
An endless beat.
And for that I'm so very thankful.

The Parachute Diaries

Soooo, I have been thinking about changing my blog name for a while now! I love my original title, it was after all, where this whole blog started, but I feel that I have outgrown it.

So, The Parachute Diaries...

I have loved the idea of my life and myself being brought down to earth, every so often by parachute. I have visualized this many times during my most frantic weeks. During days that I feel like I am falling too fast, without a safety net, not know how I will ever be able to land on my feet. But if I can just see myself being brought down slowly, parachuted through my messes, safely grounded, it all seems to pass by a little more smoothly.  So here I am. Same blog. Same me. New name. We all need a little make over once and a while.

My question to all of you little lovlies is, have you ever changed your blog name? How has it effected your blog? And more than just the name, have you changed the entire web address? I plan to after a few days, I just wanted to see if any one ran into any problems while doing so. Did you lose any readership? Are there any tips you might have? Any problems you have encountered? Id love any feedback! Any thoughts on the new name? Or suggestions at all? Thanks!

time.

breathings...

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"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart"

-Wordsworth

I am too full today. 
All I can do is put pen to paper and let some of it out. 
I simply cannot stop writing.

Make it.

This is my morning today. However, Im finding it hard to get to the laughing point yet. 

 I want to extract every possible second from this day. I need it to last. To linger. I need it to take me over. But how can I push through and enjoy this day knowing tomorrow will undoubtedly knock every breath out of me?

Choose your corner.

Every single day.

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Isn't it incredible how you never know what kind of an impact someone may make on your life? How someone you randomly bump into could severely change your entire future. Or how words you utter regularly could uproot some one else's being on any given day. Right now you may walk out the door and meet your soul mate, you just never know. That's why I find life is so alluring and exciting. Every single day is an adventure.

Do you agree?

happy

"I urge you to please notice when you're happy,

and explain or murmur or think at some point,'

If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"

KURT VONNEGUT

explode.

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How can one person

 feel so much

 all at once? 

Im honestly in awe

 that I do not explode

 on a daily basis. 

Dream space.

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What a dream. 

I would arrange it differently, but this space is ideal.

One day.

Walks alone

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"The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." - Albert Einstein

Slip

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Sometimes I just let myself slip. Take it in while it lasts. Calling it what I want to. Or rather what I need to. Waiting to pick up the pieces. Knowing nothing can completely shatter me. Dropping my walls if even for a moment. Giving myself the allowance to feel it. Just a little bit. Before it will be ripped away. Letting myself slip. So I can pick myself up again.

Strange pull

This is how I try to live my everyday. 

& it has yet to let me down. 

Define Yourself!

Your dreams.

If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough.

Words to live by.

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She's always moving...

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Its true. I am moving again.

As some of you may remember, last November, I moved out of my apartment with my, then, boyfriend to get some, literal and figurative, space. Boy did it work. I moved into my one bedroom basement apartment with purple sparkle walls and mini oven and found everything I was looking for. Within the first two months I found myself. The me that was so wrapped up in some one else that I couldnt face forward if I tried. And then, immediately after finding myself, I found my strength. The strength I needed to stand up for myself and take what I needed, which turned out to be my independence. After the first of the year I found myself single and living with only my dog.

And I was happy. I was thrilled. I would go to work, come home and do whatever I wanted. I could sit on the couch all night and watch girly shows til I fell asleep, I could edit until 4 in the morning, I could drink wine and pig out on junk food all night and I didnt have anyone to answer to. I loved it. And I did this for about six months. I recovered. Not really from the breakup, but more from what I lost durning the relationship. I picked up the pieces. I nurtured myself. I got mad at myself. Then I forgave myself. I babied myself at times and kicked my own ass at others. I questioned myself and found answers. I vowed never to let myself get to certain places again. I got lonely. I learned to find company within. I felt things, really felt things for the first time in a long time. I woke up. I became alive again. I found my passions. I found myself. 

Then, came June. Im not sure what did it, but in june I began craving people again. I wanted to be surrounded by people and fun and commotion, you know, the complete opposite of what I had been surrounded by for the first half of the year. I reconnected with my group of friends, also known as "friendship club". A group of 15-20, depending on how many are currently in the country, of the most amazing people I know. I was immediately welcomed back like I had been there the week before. Every wednesday is "friendsday" in this world. We all get together and do something awesome. It really might just be an excuse for us to all hang out in the middle of the week but it is not a minor thing. This weekly get together became the next thing the doctor ordered for me.

I became a part of a family this summer. I have known half of these people for a very long time and the other half were fairly new friends. While the group has always been tight, something amazing happened this summer and I will be forever grateful for coming back in just in time to be a part of it. This summer we all became family. We were there for each other in ways that we didnt know were possible. We were mirrors for each other, showing the good with in and the things that needed to be brought to the surface and addressed. We learned, together, to fully appreciate every little thing that we have. I have never had as much fun. I have never been so aware of how amazing life truly it. There is not enough space to describe what we have been through these past months or what we have, period. There are not even words big enough to describe the beauty and growth that we all encountered this summer, together. You will just have to take my word on it.

So, as summer began to close in on me, I once again listened to that voice inside of me when I asked what I wanted next. I dont want to live by myself any more. I still want to be surrounded, I want this summer to live forever. So I have found a house in SE Portland with three friends! And amazingly enough, we are four blocks from a house that just today was filled with four more members of friendship. I am beyond thrilled for this next move.

I am very sad to leave this place though. I do worry. I have found and learned so much in this space. I became whole again here. I fell in love with myself here. There are moments of doubt, moments where I worry about slipping. But I know that I can take care of myself now. And I know that there is a reason for me to be with all of these people now too. Its a good feeling. Listening to yourself, having the courage to follow your own voice and the confidence to know that it will take you to the place you need to be.

To the next move!

10 things I learned this weekend...

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1. Going to a movie just for the hot guy that is in it, is totally fine! (Ryan Gosling)
2. Dig a Pony is still my favorite new bar.
3. Some times a good cuddz from a friend is the best night cap.
4. Staying home all day to snuggle with the pup, watch netflix and recover from a fun night is perfectly ok.
5. I hate not knowing how to help my little brother.
6. I can welcome autumn with a smile, but I cannot say goodbye to summer.
7. I fell in love with my ukulele all over again.
8. Im more than ready for Kitten to come back.
9. I refound the after hours dance club in Portland! YES!
10. I am worth everything.

Being single...

Take your risks now...

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This life is yours.

  

here.

I bought this print last month at Tender Loving Empire downtown. It is an amazing store I an highly recommend it! It is currently hanging in my living room and I absolutely adore it. You can see more of her work and get your own here!

wild + tame

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"What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home? I want to be held... I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights - I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me, but I want to be with you." -Jeanette Winterson

The ocean...

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I am off to the ocean for a night and a day. I have been so heavy this week and need a little air. My mind cant stop racing, my heart, fluttering, and my chest, well, my chest has it the worst of all. Its heavy and Im not sure I can carry it around with me like this much longer. I know the ocean will help me. The ocean, the only place that seems big enough to understand me, the only place with the capacity to take me all the way in. I can only hope that while my feet melt into the sand, the waves may undo me. Please let them undo me, have their way with me, sort out my messes, take with them what I dont want and leave me what I need. And then let the sea air, please, stitch me back together. Back to a state where I can carry with me all my emotions, fears and ideas. Everything, that is so heavy, everything, that is me. All I need is a night and a day with the water. To let it take my weight, and let me rest. That is all I need. And then I will pick it all up again, and amble on.

possibility.

“.. dwell in possibility.”  - Emily Dickinson