As some of you may remember, last November, I moved out of my apartment with my, then, boyfriend to get some, literal and figurative, space. Boy did it work. I moved into my one bedroom basement apartment with purple sparkle walls and mini oven and found everything I was looking for. Within the first two months I found myself. The me that was so wrapped up in some one else that I couldnt face forward if I tried. And then, immediately after finding myself, I found my strength. The strength I needed to stand up for myself and take what I needed, which turned out to be my independence. After the first of the year I found myself single and living with only my dog.
And I was happy. I was thrilled. I would go to work, come home and do whatever I wanted. I could sit on the couch all night and watch girly shows til I fell asleep, I could edit until 4 in the morning, I could drink wine and pig out on junk food all night and I didnt have anyone to answer to. I loved it. And I did this for about six months. I recovered. Not really from the breakup, but more from what I lost durning the relationship. I picked up the pieces. I nurtured myself. I got mad at myself. Then I forgave myself. I babied myself at times and kicked my own ass at others. I questioned myself and found answers. I vowed never to let myself get to certain places again. I got lonely. I learned to find company within. I felt things, really felt things for the first time in a long time. I woke up. I became alive again. I found my passions. I found myself.
Then, came June. Im not sure what did it, but in june I began craving people again. I wanted to be surrounded by people and fun and commotion, you know, the complete opposite of what I had been surrounded by for the first half of the year. I reconnected with my group of friends, also known as "friendship club". A group of 15-20, depending on how many are currently in the country, of the most amazing people I know. I was immediately welcomed back like I had been there the week before. Every wednesday is "friendsday" in this world. We all get together and do something awesome. It really might just be an excuse for us to all hang out in the middle of the week but it is not a minor thing. This weekly get together became the next thing the doctor ordered for me.
I became a part of a family this summer. I have known half of these people for a very long time and the other half were fairly new friends. While the group has always been tight, something amazing happened this summer and I will be forever grateful for coming back in just in time to be a part of it. This summer we all became family. We were there for each other in ways that we didnt know were possible. We were mirrors for each other, showing the good with in and the things that needed to be brought to the surface and addressed. We learned, together, to fully appreciate every little thing that we have. I have never had as much fun. I have never been so aware of how amazing life truly it. There is not enough space to describe what we have been through these past months or what we have, period. There are not even words big enough to describe the beauty and growth that we all encountered this summer, together. You will just have to take my word on it.
So, as summer began to close in on me, I once again listened to that voice inside of me when I asked what I wanted next. I dont want to live by myself any more. I still want to be surrounded, I want this summer to live forever. So I have found a house in SE Portland with three friends! And amazingly enough, we are four blocks from a house that just today was filled with four more members of friendship. I am beyond thrilled for this next move.
I am very sad to leave this place though. I do worry. I have found and learned so much in this space. I became whole again here. I fell in love with myself here. There are moments of doubt, moments where I worry about slipping. But I know that I can take care of myself now. And I know that there is a reason for me to be with all of these people now too. Its a good feeling. Listening to yourself, having the courage to follow your own voice and the confidence to know that it will take you to the place you need to be.
To the next move!
I wish or hope to find something like this for myself here in Portland. Portland and I are always in a relationship battle it seems. I love her when I'm away and when I come back I'm confused and disjointed again. I was really excited to move back up here this time and live by myself in a one bedroom apartment (coming from San Diego, doing such was basically impossible) and so I came up here with only what could fit in my car and I got an apartment and found that I missed people. While it's not always fun bumping into people in the kitchen (I get a little cross when that happens) it is nice to have a door to knock on (and don't have to go outside for) when you're feeling a little blue, or even when you are really excited about something and need to share it.
ReplyDeleteI'd really love to find a good group of friends in Portland. I have friends here and there but we all have different schedules and different things and it's been a looong looong times since I've had a group of people to hang out with. I miss it.
So congratulations on the new house and coming back into the social world with a newfound respect and love for yourself!
-C
Your friendship group sounds so wonderful, it's great to find friends who turn into family, who you can share everything with and they will always understand. Reading this reminded me of something said on 'my so called life': There are so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people who you have this unspoken connection to, even thought there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever, who know you in this way that other people can't because they've seen you change. They've let you change.
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