I wish this is where I spent my day today instead. 

tell.

This makes sense to me.
I like words.
They are like someone who knows exactly what to do with their hands.
It feels so good,
it hurts a little.
Outside there is a pool.
I could go swimming,
the way a body moves under water.
I want to tell you everything.

don't

attract

conflict.

How can I be so eternally conflicting. Hot and cold. Up and down. On and off. All day. Everyday. I need to find a middle ground. Compromise, with myself. Discover ways to hold on to my beautiful and cherished independence while letting some one in. Or even just the possibilities of a some one. Stop looking down on the cravings for companionship. I have to believe there is a way to shape an interface. A place where the two can live together in a hopeful and harmonic place. Id really like that. I just dont know if it really exists.

...

heels!

>

I think my New Years Resolution should be to wear more heels.

oh please.

>

Is it too much to just want a cute boy to teach me to play guitar?

Today.

gloom

I felt awful today. Physically. Emotionally.  I couldnt figure out what it was. Everything I set out to do left me feeling even more frustrated. So I let it in. I accepted the gloom of this day and went with it. I put on extra necklaces and went to the bookstore. My happy place. I walked it over a handful of times. Haunting row after row, stopping every so often reading paragraphs or sometimes pages. Before I knew it I had an armful of books that had intrigued me. The coffee shop was full so I found a corner. A wonderful corner in one of my favorite sections. I read bits of books, discarding the ones I didnt like and piling the ones I wanted. I picked up the last one and the next thing I knew I had read 60 pages and was feeling lighter and a little hungry. I allowed myself to buy three books then took myself to dinner. As I ate and read at my favorite sushi spot I looked around and noticed that the majority of people were on dates (romantic or friendly) there were lots of couples. I was the only one alone tonight. And as I realized this I thought how wonderful it felt to be ok with that. I was more than ok, I was mildly liberated. I had been having an absolutely terrible day that felt unshakable. But it wasnt. I nursed myself, not completely, but much closer to happy. I didnt need to call anyone, I didnt need to cry, I just spent time with myself doing little things that make me happy and I managed to save myself just a little bit. It is small victories like this that make me so grateful to be the person that I am. I think we all need the gloomy days once and a while to allow us to feel the beautiful enormity of the sunny ones.