As many of you have guessed, by either my recent inspirations or the lack of his title lately, the boyfriend and I have broken up. After a year and a half, we decided that where we were heading and the way we were getting there was just not the best for either of us. For whatever reasons my best friend and I started growing apart and were no longer acting as the great allies that we once were for each other. While we both wish it could have gone the other way I know that deep down we both agree that this is the best thing for us at this point in our lives.
My heart is heavy. I'm losing a best friend. The person i have turned to first every day for the last year and a half. The person that has taken better care of me than anyone else. The person that could make me laugh at the first sign of sadness. The person that took my breathe away and made me feel more loved than I have ever felt before. The person that has been by my side, constantly, consistenly. That's the hardest part. The selfish part. I'm sad for everything I am losing.
My head is going crazy. Mostly for everything I'm giving up. I'm giving up a future of knowing that someone would ALWAYS be there for me. I'm giving up the person I know in my heart will be the most amazing and selfless life partner and father. I'm giving up my biggest supporter. There have been moments I feel insane for willingly giving up this person. He is truly amazing.
Lastly, and luckily, my head and my heart are hopeful. I am hopeful that while I am losing and giving up all of these things, that I am also gaining many things. I am gaining some much needed independence. I am gaining strength through all of the heartache and pain and standing up for what I need. I am gaining peace, where anxiety and tension had temporarily moved in during those last months. But most of my hope still lies with him. I hope he will be ok. I hope he is gaining everything I am and more. I hope he heals and finds a better and more deserving counterpart. I hope he gets everything he wants and needs. And still, I hope he will be my friend again. Someday.
