Familiar.

>

It's easy. Easier than it should be. We slip quickly in to that old rhythm, guard up then down, testing the waters. Tonight, we give in. Let the walls fall as we melt into each other. Familiar doesn't begin to describe it. Like remembering the words to a song you havent thought of in years. Realizing its been there the whole time. Each touch brings a comfortable thrill. Each breath reels me back in. Your lips match my memories. Exact. They're all still there, your easy smile, the curve of your back.

Stillness takes over. Your words flow cooly, unsteady but consistant. I take them in slowly, sip after sip. Filling with things I didn't know I was looking for. Our fingertips, like magnets, keep finding each other. Leaving me breathless on impact. I feel dizzy and controlled.

We continue for hours. Spinning, careful and unfiltered. When I trip up you take over. We make sense, of things, the past and each other. Its different than I imagined. More than I expected.

You've been gone for hours and I still can't catch my breath.

So I can feel again.

>

I'm taken over.

Filled with nullity.

Aching for more.

Bliss.

Melancholy.

Rage.

More.

Tonight.

Tonight I lie backbone to floorboard.

So I can feel again. 

intention.

>

“That was the day she made herself the promise to live more from intention & less from habit.” – amy rubin flett

Young.

Unfortunately, this has been brought to my attention too many times in the past couple of weeks and it really puts things into perspective. All I can do is take that perspective with me in my day to day battles and appreciate how great life really is. 

Life.

Mine.

My Person.

I saw this today over on my friend Sam's beautiful blog. She snagged this Chuck Palahniuk quote from Invisible Monsters...


"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."


This statement resonated so strongly within me the second I read it. It was not the first time I had ever read this quote, however, it was the first time I really heard it. It doesn't match exactly what I have been feeling lately, but it comes very close. 


These days I have found myself, very often, affixed to another person for various amounts of time. Searching and learning, sometimes together, and often from each other. Not being able to spend more than a day with out a certain friend for no reason other than the sheer impossibility of functioning without their input, suggestion or simple presence in even a small part of my day. When this happens I tend to call them "my person." I have been known, at times, to say to some one "you're my person right now." And this is a big thing for me. 


This, to me, means that for whatever reason, at this particular time, our wavelengths have paralleled. We are meant to be together, this year, this month, this weekend. Sometimes, with out immediate vindication. But I always give in to this particular need. (An odd practice for my independent spirit, but it has yet to fail me.) Even when the unions aren't apparent until many months later, I am always able to look back and realize that I couldn't have gotten through particular times or situations with out "my person," or visa versa. I try very hard to learn something from everything and everyone I encounter, so these uncontrollable mergers of emotions and personalities are so greatly welcomed. While, at times, I lean into the confusions, the "why now's" and "why them's," I always snap back to the side of trusting my intuitions and take comfort in knowing that I must be exactly where I need to be. 


As much as I like to fancy myself a lone wolf, I've got an amazing and beautiful circle of people here. It would be a travesty not to lean in and take advantage of the infinite perspective and support I have available to me from time to time.  So, even when I think I am at the height of solitude, feeling strong and independent, I can be pulled back down so quickly and so severely to walk side by side with "my person" for a while. And I can never stay upset for too long, because I always end up with exactly what I need. 

impossible is nothing

> 

I NEEDED THIS TODAY. 

dont be.

>

heartbreakingly

> 

Have you ever had a dream so

heartbreakingly 

beautiful

that it felt like pure agony

to stay awake? 

ideal.

unsteady.

Your hair is a mess and your smile stings. My tongue trips. You say you know what I mean. The time disappears as the words finally slip. You call me out and I stare at the floor. The empty glasses on the table begin to pile like medals. We both chug from our cups, not knowing what to say next. Wondering if we have said too much, or perhaps, not enough. Quick glances suggest that there might be more, but I wont say.

Next thing I know we are on the road. Jammed in a backseat swaying with corners. Your hand finds my knee and decides to stay.  I think it feels nice. Right.

I watch your steps as you walk to your door. Careful. Implied.

I try to mimic them as I climb the stairs to my own. But mine are unsteady.

Michael Cera

so true.

Instead.

I wish this is where I spent my day today instead. 

tell.

This makes sense to me.
I like words.
They are like someone who knows exactly what to do with their hands.
It feels so good,
it hurts a little.
Outside there is a pool.
I could go swimming,
the way a body moves under water.
I want to tell you everything.

don't

attract

conflict.

How can I be so eternally conflicting. Hot and cold. Up and down. On and off. All day. Everyday. I need to find a middle ground. Compromise, with myself. Discover ways to hold on to my beautiful and cherished independence while letting some one in. Or even just the possibilities of a some one. Stop looking down on the cravings for companionship. I have to believe there is a way to shape an interface. A place where the two can live together in a hopeful and harmonic place. Id really like that. I just dont know if it really exists.

...

heels!

>

I think my New Years Resolution should be to wear more heels.

oh please.

>

Is it too much to just want a cute boy to teach me to play guitar?

Today.

gloom

I felt awful today. Physically. Emotionally.  I couldnt figure out what it was. Everything I set out to do left me feeling even more frustrated. So I let it in. I accepted the gloom of this day and went with it. I put on extra necklaces and went to the bookstore. My happy place. I walked it over a handful of times. Haunting row after row, stopping every so often reading paragraphs or sometimes pages. Before I knew it I had an armful of books that had intrigued me. The coffee shop was full so I found a corner. A wonderful corner in one of my favorite sections. I read bits of books, discarding the ones I didnt like and piling the ones I wanted. I picked up the last one and the next thing I knew I had read 60 pages and was feeling lighter and a little hungry. I allowed myself to buy three books then took myself to dinner. As I ate and read at my favorite sushi spot I looked around and noticed that the majority of people were on dates (romantic or friendly) there were lots of couples. I was the only one alone tonight. And as I realized this I thought how wonderful it felt to be ok with that. I was more than ok, I was mildly liberated. I had been having an absolutely terrible day that felt unshakable. But it wasnt. I nursed myself, not completely, but much closer to happy. I didnt need to call anyone, I didnt need to cry, I just spent time with myself doing little things that make me happy and I managed to save myself just a little bit. It is small victories like this that make me so grateful to be the person that I am. I think we all need the gloomy days once and a while to allow us to feel the beautiful enormity of the sunny ones.