That familar feeling is back. The one that sneaks in when things settle down and you have time to think and realize and consider facing. Its been a rough day, no, week, oh, hell lets be honest and just say it, month. I feel like I am walking around, finishing each motion thoroughly, but with out even realizing it. Like my body is floating right side up, with everything in its place, but my mind is upside down.
Im transitioning in so many ways its hard to list them all, however, the biggest and most obvious being my vacation. I was privileged enough to have 6 weeks off this summer. It was a wonderful time. I got to do whatever I wanted for the first time ever really. I have been one of those kids that has been working since highschool. Part-time for a bit, then full time, even through school. Its who I am, its how my life works, I must do it if I want to get by. I rarely complain, though there are those moments, usually during a finals week when I didnt sleep, and my day involves a morning class, then 8 to 10 hours of work, an exam, and then studying for tomorrows exam and probably no shower, where I am on the floor, throwing a toddler like tantrum yelling things like, why me? Why cant things be a little easier for me? But in reality, on a "normal" day, I appreciate it. I know I am learning valuable lessons, and how life works and all that crap. I really would rather have it this way, than to have it all "handed" to me. But this lifestyle (and the nature of my job) hindered me from ever taking large amounts of time off or vacations. SOOO, it was nice, to have a handful of weeks to be paid to do nothing if I choose (which I chose a lot.) BUT, I also spent a lot of time getting things together for my business. I did tons of photoshoots, spent lots of time trying to define a style for myself, worked with my designer to get my website up, etc. I got a taste of what it will be like to set my own schedule and I loved it. I know that this new direction is the one for me and I am too excited to contain it. However, my vacation is over and while I am happy to be back at work with my lovely little kiddos, its been a rough transition. I am realizing that I am trying to build a business from the ground up while working a full time job and trying to keep a social and love life afloat. Again, I appreciate the struggle I know I will undoubtedly be going through to make this happen, because I know it will make me stronger and make the success of it all that much better and blah blah blah, but, I guess you could say I am having another one of those floor moments right now. One of those toddler like tantrums, yelling why me? Though it is much more quiet and being played out inside my head, not actually on the floor of my bedroom.
I am also at this point, where I have a lot of things I need to finally face. Most of them involving money, ugh. I always feel that my life rolls in waves. Waves of calm and then upheaval. But I think now, as I am getting older I am realizing that I am responsible for that. Im an avoider. The kind of person that will put things off and brush them under the rug while they are little. Its how I cope. I dont like to dwell, I like to stay positive and thats how I do it. "Its not a HUGE deal, so lets worry about it tomorrow." But then, what Im realizing happens, is that all my little problems dont get the attention the deserve, or any attention at all. Then my little baby problems grow, and turn into toddlers, then kids, and then, no matter the birthdate of these issues, they all seem to hit puberty at around the same time. And thats when I loose it. Instead of handling one small issue at a time, I choose, like an effing idoit, to wait, enjoy the moment, and let my problems mature into full blown crises. Then the pressure of MULTIPLE issues is too much to handle all at once. What the hell is wrong with me? But, still, here I go, always looking at the silver lining, extracting the positive in every situation, finding out with this realization, that I am also growing. I can learn from this and face. Face life really. But, ok, enough with the dramatics.
I actually just sat for a second, reflecting on everything I am letting out right now and wondered what sprung this change, this mature realization and this attempt at accountability with sharing it all. Then I remembered, I had a birthday last week. I turned 24 but lied the whole time and said I was turning 21, even to people that knew me, even my parents, even though they all knew I was lying. I tried to lie to hard hoping it would turn into truth. It didnt. I am now 24 years old, and I guess this is what comes along with it.
OH, HELLO MID-TWENTIES!
Id say its nice to meet you, but, if you havent noticed, Im trying out that whole HONESTY thing today.