“If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.” -Maya Angelou

Lately I have been feeling very lucky. A grateful kind of lucky. I don't know what i have done to deserve such amazing people in my life but, somehow, I am consistently surrounded by the best people in the world. My friends and my family are what gets me through the bad days and keep me going for the good ones. I cannot explain this feeling with any other word...I just feel enormously lucky.

All I know...

This morning my mind has calmed down a bit. Not much, but just enough to to trick me into thinking I could catch my breath. But, as I tried to fill my lungs with the slightest sense of ease and clarity, I noticed my heart. It was then that i realized my mind hadnt calmed at all, i believe, instead, that my heart has taken over. It is suddenly full, antsy, and optimistic. One might think with the minor relief of my mind I would now have time to appraise all or even just a few of the things that have been crowding my always restless thoughts, however that is not the case. It is all too much to figure out and now, in addition to all of this is the problem with my heart. It just cannot regain enough of its composure to bring any sort of insight or logic to the situation. When I am confronted with this sort of predicament I turn to what i call my "all I knows".

They are used when I feel like I have no idea what to do or where to turn about certain somethings. So I turn to what I do know about it and that usually points me in the right direction. All I know is...

Right now I am not ready to even realized all of my "all i knows" let alone share them, but all I know is, the all i knows i am experiencing right now are some of the most amazing feelings Ive had in a long long time. All I know is today I am immensely happy.

The Wonder Years

For the past week or so I have been in a strange place. I expected this feeling to come along as I am ,for the first time, with out a concrete plan. I can barely calm my mind enough to even try and figure it out let alone explain it yet. But today, i found a handful of quotes that either come close to explaining how i feel right now or they speak very closely to me . The crazy thing is that they all come from that amazing TV classic we all know. THE WONDER YEARS.

“Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”

“Over the course of the average lifetime you meet a lot of people. Some of them stick with you through thick and thin. Some weave their way through your life and disappear forever. But once in a while someone comes along who earns a permanent place in your heart”

“All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us.”


This one is very special to me right now because of a certain friend I couldnt get through this with out...
“I guess sometimes the ground can shift between your feet. Sometimes your footing slips. You stumble. And sometimes you grab what's close to you and hold on as tight as you can.”


This one remindes me of another close friend that unfortunately is sometimes hard to hold on to...
“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

And lastly, i just wish one day I will be lucky enough to find someone that could feel this way about me...
“Once upon a time there was a girl I knew, who lived across the street. Brown hair, brown eyes. When she smiled, I smiled. When she cried, I cried. Every single thing that ever happened to me that mattered, in some way had to do with her. That day Winnie and I promised each other that no matter what, that we'd always be together. It was a promise full of passion and truth and wisdom. It was the kind of promise that can only come from the hearts of the very young.”

TRUTH

a good day...

Today. A good day. Might even be a great day, but she doesnt want to get ahead of herself, its only 11:00am. She hasnt had a day like today in far too long. She has needed a today more than she could have known. Whats so special about today you ask? Nothing, really. In fact, this day could have gone in a very different direction for her...

She woke up much earlier than she normally does. The buses were driving by outside her window as they normally do, but instead of hitting the snooze and pulling the covers over her ears, she sat up and started her day. She hopped in the shower and washed away yesterday. With her wet hair twirled up inside her towel, she brushed her teeth with enthusiasm, a nontypical morning happening for her. She was eager, and had not a clue as to why. She dressed, gathered her things, and left a note on the mirror for her roommate. As she headed down the hallway towards the elevator, she realized just how early she was. She even had time to go next door to her favorite coffee shop to do a little writing. As she walked toward her car to put one of her bags away, she realized, it was no where to be found. Her car had been towed. But instead of getting upset, she giggled and headed back up to her apartment to make some calls and find it. After just a couple of calls and a few minutes of sardonic smalltalk, she had located her car and found out how much it would cost to retrieve it. The price was not as terrible as it could have been, and she was thankful! Her roommate offered up her car in replacement and she gladly accepted. Her attitude as stayed just as pleasant about everything else she has encountered.

She has a good feeling that she can ride this wave of positivity late into the night. Although many of the things that went on today are not usually construed as positive especially when collected together into one morning, she still wishes everyday could be as great as today.

today i am feeling...

uneasy.

my...

body: exhaused

head: running circles, overanalyzing, underanalyzing

heart: positive and questioning

how am i feeling this all at once?

this morning

maybe this morning's gloom is just what i deserve

changing

everything's changing.

i want to hold on so tightly to what i have.

or should i let go?

embrace a new?

i cant let go.

tonight

Tonight,
i dress myself in 4am
i call you out
dare you to answer
when i know my make up has been danced in
and my feet are drunk

Portland

I have officially fallen head over heels for this city.

I live in the greatest part of town within walking distance to all the places i could ever want to go! I live with the coolest girl ever and we have combined our friend collection and created one massively amazing and unstoppable crew. The feeling i have about my new home is absolutely unexplainable. After living out of a suitcase filled with weekly neccesities for five months, i feel amazingly content. I am immensely thankful for all of this.

this is my life...

"My fault, my failure, is not in the passions i have, but in my lack of control of them." -Kerouac