Hello dears. I just revamped my website and wanted to share with all of you. Its got a lot of the same old charm but with a bit of a new feel. I tend to keep my personal blog and my business pretty separate, not for any particular reasons, but I value all of you out here in blog land and would love your thoughts on it. Thanks for stickin around. It means the world to me. Id also love to know if there are any other fellow photographers out there. I would love to chat:)

www.andcamera.com

beauty.

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“But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

— American Beauty

10 things I learned this weekend...

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1. Waking up from an illness induced nap to a house full of friends means TACO FEST!
2. Roasted marshmallows cure almost anything.
3. Thrifting in my neighborhood was perfect this Saturday.
4. Homecomings are beautiful.
5. Go with the gut. Say yes to fun.
6. Friends tears break me apart.
7. Sometimes saying no is necessary. And entirely worth it.
8. I can be productive. It's is possible!
9. There are certain people in my life that just make me better when I'm around them.
10. I'm ready for some change!

eager.

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Do stuff.
Be clenched, curious.
Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead.
Pay attention.
It’s all about paying attention.
Attention is vitality.
It connects you with others.
It makes you eager.
Stay eager.

-Susan Sontag

experience.

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default.

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"It is impossible to live with out failing at something. 
Unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all. 
In which case, you fail by default."
-JK Rowling

chords.

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I want to build something. Something great. Something memorable. I want it to last forever. To outlast everything, even us. I want it to be hand-made, from bits of me and you. The good and the bad. The truth of what we have, however immeasurable and uncapturable it may be. Ill build it out of chords, not brick. To extract the proper fondness and feelings. And because chords can better speak to what we have here. And because, this way, our passion may live forever on the tongues of those who've learned our song. A song that will still be sung long after the bricks have crumbled. A song that will inspire even the loneliest of souls to hold on and hope for even a fraction of what we have. I want to build it to remember. To record. To prove that it existed. Just in case. Just in case we are the only ones.

arts.

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"Go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” 
― Kurt Vonnegut

something.

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“I want a woman who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me ten things I don’t already know, and make me laugh. I don’t care what you look like, just turn me on. And if you can do that, I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth. I will do your windows. I will care about your feelings. Just have something in there.”

—Henry Rollins

the burn

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be careful what you wish for,
i warned myself.
i asked for this.
i wanted fire.
i needed it.
the heat.
it feels so good.
the kind of heat that warms you from the inside.
manifests in the chest.
and builds.
beautifully.
incinerating whats left of the walls I tried to keep up.
leaving me wide open.
vulnerable.
thats when it happens.
once youre raw and the heat keeps building,
thats when you can feel the burn.
and it hurts.

RULES OF A CREATOR'S LIFE

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be.

eject.

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her real life wasn't enough.
or it was too much.
either way,
she needed to evade.
even for only a handful of moments.
so she did.
she disappeared.
not literally, not entirely.
she watched from above.
disconnected.
her body flowing through the familiar motions.
her emotions sitting still with their aerial view.
not judging.
not really feeling.
she just watched, observed.
gathered.
she went elsewhere in her mind.
she needed out.
for a little while.
she would be back.
almost like she never left.
almost.
but for now, she needed to
go.

books..

all.

"Where ever you are - be all there."  -Jim Elliot 

Still.

The ceiling spins. The walls pulse. Its smells like freshly cut grass and must. Tears fall melodically down my cheekbones and pool on the blue rug, the same one my hands are clutching. My knuckles feel white.

My chest might explode, I cant handle this. I change my mind, but its too late. I hate this. All my breath is caught in my throat, imprisoned. Tortured. Im heavy. My limbs immovable. Cemented. I dont deserve to stand. It hurts. 

A bluish burn dances on my skin. Everywhere. Searing. Mocking.

I feel nothing. And too much. Im scared. Im sorry. Im selfish. Im here now. No matter what. 

We could have been great. We could have been everything. But you'll never know.  

I turn my head and see the clock on the wall saying its barely started. I turn my head again, this time, landing my cheek in one of the warm pools of graying tears. My gaze falls on the blue knob of the dresser and stays there as I wait for this to end. For the pain, this feeling to go away. 

Its been three years today. Im still waiting. 

adjust.

Unreal.

wow. breathtaking. 

best.

More than a friend. More than my best friend. She's my sister. My soulmate. My counterpart in this world. We get it, each other, all of it. The good, the bad, the best. We are matching contradictions. Unconditional and unwavering. 

An effortless friendship born in adolescence, only grew stronger as we grew, side by side. We've had each other longer than we haven't. 

I have her face memorized. One glance can speak volumes. I protect her and she looks out for me. 

Her laugh motivates me. Her fears tear me up. Her silences snaps me back. Her tears are my tears. She is a part of me.

We were made for each other. We're meant to be together. 

She's the best friend for me.