Here are just a few of my favorite highlights of the past year...


I moved to Portland.
Got an amazing apartment.
Rekindled an old friendship/gained a new roomie.
Heard John Maxwell speak.
Fell in love with my bestfriend.
Made tons of new friends.
Made the decision to do it on my own.
Lost a job.
The most amazing job fell into my lap.
Interned over the summer.
Made the photography contact I was dying for, and now we are even friends.
Finally grew out of the bar scene. For the most part.
Grew up, for the first time I honestly feel more grown up.

I cant wait for 2010. 

Its gonna be even better!

6.6.09

It was late. She had enough to drink and so did you. You had both spent the evening at a bar with good and new friends. Standard practice. But now you were home. She thought it was darker since the cab ride and outside, it was damp. New Friend had passed out already and didnt even wake up when you yelled at her. Youve never yelled at her before. She was your best friend. You never fought. She yelled back but not about the same things. She didnt know what you meant, why you were yelling. And after she called you out in the dark, you both laughed. You suggested a walk to the river to watch the sun come up. Maybe to remove you both from the grounds of the scuffle, maybe to justify still being awake at the very late hour, maybe for other reasons, she didnt know why. But she accepted.


She wore flip flops and your baggy clothes. You wore a heavy jacket with no shirt underneath. While her feet soaked in dew, her hand settled in yours. She didnt know exactly why you held her hand, on the millions of walks you had taken before you always and simply walked side by side. She didnt know why she let you hold it tonight, but there it stayed until the grass met the water.


She noticed you help lower her to the ground as she drew in deep and cool breaths of the freshest air. Youre timing was perfect as the sky slowly lit up from the bottom. She was cold and could smell your scent through the moist air. You must have spotted her teeth chattering because you pulled her inside your coat as you laid the two of you slowly backward into the soft grass. You squeezed her into you. You held her so differently. It was so different from the times you held her and listened to her cry. So different from when you were the best friend easily wiping away worried tears. It was so different and she liked it. You both watched as the sky got brighter and brighter. You both laughed when a jogger passed by on the path above your heads in the light of the morning. You both fell asleep.


When she woke up, you were kissing. She didnt know how it started but she didnt end it. The kisses were long and passionate and everything she wanted. She climbed on top of you and you fought through her long tangled hair to make way to her lips for more. You whispered beautiful words in her ears and made her feel like more than shes ever felt. It was like a dream and she never wanted to wake up. 

It was light, officially day and the air was even colder. You suggested heading home. On the walk back you held her hand and she stopped questioning it. You stopped and kissed her every so often and she couldnt hide her childlike smile. You whispered more beauty into her ears and she drank in every delicious syllable. As you held her face in your hand and her lips with your own, she savored every second. She didnt worry about it, or think of anything else. She simply enjoyed herself and fell for her best friend even if only for the moment. 

This piece was inspired by my journal entry (some parts actually copied right out) about this night. The night it all changed. The night i fell for my best friend. And, no,  it wasnt only for the moment.

This is me...

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world...happiness isn't good enough for me. I demand euphoria."

-Calvin and Hobbes

Awesome Day 3: Table for 5 and a 1/2 Please!

 Girls and Goodbyes!

So I have this awesome group of friends. We are a group of girls, yes, girls! I know its weird when I have girls around. Anyways, the not awesome news is one of them, Brandi, is moving to California in 2 weeks. It is very sad, but it is the best thing for her and her family right now, she has a husband and 2 beautiful kids. So one of the girls had the awesome and brilliant idea to bring the three girls that live in Eugene up here to the two of us that live in Portland for a day trip and some goodbyes. Shalane, the other Portland friend, just had an adorable baby girl not even 3 weeks ago, and two of them had not met her yet also! So it was set to be a day of hellos (to the baby) and goodbyes (to Brandi.)

We all met up at Shalanes house and started the awesome trek to Macaroni Grill! Yum!!!! It was so fun to be all girly and talk about drama and boys for a change. We taunted the waiter that wouldnt give us the time of day for the first half hour we were there. But once I gave my obscenely particular and wit-filled order, he befriended us and was quite an awesome kick in the pants! I had the most amazing and awesome pasta EVER! We talked about weddings and babies, boyfriends and jobs, bars and slutty girls from high school. It was awesome.

Stephanie and Brandi

 

 Rachelle and Shalane

(the sisters if you couldnt tell :) )

I love these girls so much. We arent the closest group of friends, but with out fail, every birth or birthday, wedding or breakup bash, promotion or whenever someone just needs the rest of us, we all come together. It is going to be very sad to not have Brandi be a part of all of these moments anymore. But on the awesome side of things, we now have an awesome reason for an awesome road trip to the awesome bay area!

Brandi, Steph, Shalane, Rachelle, and Me

Oh! And Baby Audrey!

 

 

After my official goodbyes to everyone I headed over to the boyfriends. He had wanted me to come over after my girly get-together all day and I was looking forward to seeing him. BUT, when I got there it was dark and loud and our friend Kevin was over. AND, they were playing video games. The loud shooting obnoxious and annoying kind. It was so far from awesome I wanted to puke! They sure loved it though.

 

The Boyfriend

 

 Big Kev

 Lovin this STOOPID game

So I took an awesome nap instead (if you havent noticed I have this little love affair with naps) and then finished my awesome pasta! The night ended awesomely enough, I fell asleep wrapped in the boyfriend. Always awesome!

Mini Awesomes:

1. Two hours of waking up, playing, drinking coffee, taking pictures and flirting with the boyfriend in bed.

2. No parking ticket from yesterday!

3. Catching up with my best friend Rachelle in private during the car ride.

4. Seeing baby Audrey again!

5. Amazing Pasta, Seriously AWESOME!

Does anyone have a group of friends that have been split up like this before?

The New Charges...

A few photos from my first day with the new little ones. Tell me...can you believe the hair on the little miss? and the eyes on the little guy?

Im already in love...

An unexpected ending...

So when Mo's mom decided to let me go, she gave me two weeks notice. The ticking clock left me with mixed emotions but I chose to take the time I had left and savor the moments with Mo. Tomorrow was set to be my last day as Mo's nanny but yesterday at noon I got a curve ball. I received a text from Mo's mom saying that their new nanny ended up being able to work this week and since she was going to be out of town on business next week, she felt it was necessary to get the new nanny acclimated before she left. It was a fairly long and detailed message but the only words I saw during the first run through was, "so today will be your last day." I immediately burst into tears.

Being a nanny is a wonderful but very different job. I have had other jobs, office jobs to be more precise,  and have gotten attached to everyone there too. It is always hard to leave people you have become close with, but nothing compares to leaving a child. The bond created between a nanny and a child (especially full time) is so strong. I still believe this is best for both parties, but logic went straight out the window yesterday. I was supposed to have 2 more days with him! It was hard enough trying to prepare myself for the goodbyes that Thursday had in store for me, but to find out at noon that I only had hours left with my little buddy was just too much to handle.

I got the news while Mo was taking his nap and thank goodness I had some alone time to recover and gain control of myself after a minor meltdown. When I heard Mo wake up and start calling for me, "YaYa!", I went straight into his room. Some days he wakes up in a bit of a daze and likes to lay there a couple of minutes so I usually lean over the side of his crib asking him about his dreams and he, for some reason, always says he dreamt of cows. But today I went into the first of many speeches trying my hardest to explain to a 20 month old that I will not be coming back tomorrow like I always to do play with him. I said things like: I wont be coming back in the morning, I wish I could come back and play with you but I cant for a while, some one else new and fun will come to play with you, I will miss you, ect. ect. But then I was interrupted by Mo's post nap haze mumblings and asked him to repeat, "what MoMo?" I then heard Mo say quietly and surely, "Love you." He knew. He did understand what I was saying to him, in some sense, as much as a toddler could at this point. I scooped him up and told him I loved him too. We slowly twirled around his room. I hummed. He rested his tiny but heavy head on my shoulder. The moment was near perfect. Then, during mid twirl, Mo farted on me. He lifted his head and as we both looked at each other, he cracked the biggest smile and began singing "tooty! tooty!" We both laughed hysterically and I told him again, "boy, am I gonna miss you Mo! The moment had turned into perfection.

The rest of the day is a bit of a blur at this point. But I made sure to spend our last half hour playing our favorite rowdy games upstairs in his after-bath-diaper. They consist of running around, "hiding" from each other, and endless tossing on the bed tickle fights! Then, Mo's mom came upstairs. She was holding the video camera and I thought she was probably trying to document some of our games for Mo to watch, so I continued on with the chasing and tickling. After a few minutes and some "last day" photos, we headed downstairs. I got my last paycheck and it was time for goodbyes. Mo was extremely concerned, as usual, about getting his milk and was in a bit of a fit about it. I thought I was gonna have to leave with out my goodbye hug. But mid tantrum our eyes finally met and he reached out for me. He gave me the tightest squeeze and then rested his forehead against mine. I quietly told him that I loved him, I wouldnt be coming back for a little while, and that I would miss him very very much. As both me and Mo's mom began to tear up a bit, Mo said to me in his jagged but soft toddler talk, "Love you. Missss you. Come back soon." Thats when I lost it a bit. I left Mo's house with an invite to drop by anytime I missed Mo (something I wasnt totally sure would happen as I have never been "let go" before) and the feeling that Mo did, in some way, grasp and understand what was going on.

"Bye, Ill miss you buddy!" I said as I walked out the door. I turn to wave and heard him reply, "Miss you, bud-dee!" I love and will genuinely miss that little guy. He is my bud. He is my pal. He is Mo.

"You're Fired!" "Thank You!"

Last Thursday I was "let go" from my job as Mo's nanny that I have had since January. My boss simply stated that she no longer felt it was a good match and could not offer me any further explanations than that, even after I asked her twice. What? You are "letting go" the person that has watched your child for 10 hours a day, 4 days a week for 9 months because you no longer "feel it is a good fit", and you cant give any insight as to why? That is just crazy to me. Especially, since I also feel that it is not a good match, however, I have felt this way from the start and could give you a specific list of reasons and examples as to why. I thought about quitting a million times but always chickened out and then gave myself some fleeting motivation by lying and saying it was a challenge I had to overcome. Blah blah blah.

I may seem a little heated about the situation but, at the time, I took the news very well. I was as if my boss had finally MADE the decision I was trying so desperately to make. It is the kick in the pants that I need to finally put this PLAN in to order. Let me explain, for about three months I have had this plan that I have been waiting (procrastinating) to put into action. My plan was to find another nanny job that is a better match and working less days than I work now. Then I would try my hardest to talk some one in to giving me a bartending job a few nights a week to supplement my income. This would leave me (in theory) to have more days to work on my photography and getting myself and my portfolio "out there". That is the biggest thing for me right now! I always thought about making this happen around September however I have not made any sort of stride in that direction. This cool comfort zone seems to be cemented to my ankles I swear. And now, here I am, handed this new direction, put in place by some one else, giving me two weeks of notice, leaving me, on SEPTEMBER 3rd, free to put my plan in to gear!

So this beautiful little flame under my ass comes in the ironic translation of my boss's bad news last week...You're Fired! I ended the conversation with some sort of unconvincing bummer, while, im sure, my face was screaming THANK YOU!!! Thank you Mo's mom for forcing me to get my shit together.

Im so much talk its ridiculous. Its really disappointing at times. I have all of these huge dreams and goals and so much I want to do, but i rarely do anything about it. I so often get stuck in my everyday, strictly maintaining. This is the thing I fear the most, settling. I cant stand the idea of just settling for what ever works or gets me by at the time. It is finally time to, ew, grow up. Its scary and I know it is going to take everything that I have every day to not slip back into my "comfort zone." But it is time.

So now, here I am, again, on the job hunt. Still looking to nanny, because Im good at it, it is the job I know I can get, and I wont have to take a drop in pay. I am also keeping an eye out for a bar that would like to take a chance on a girl with absolutely no cocktail experience but an abundance of charm just waiting to be forced upon the nearest drunk kid needing another vodka redbull! And finally, I am going to throw myself into photography. Back to never leaving my camera home and always looking for new things to shoot! I will network like its going out of style. Its a new page, that I didnt even need to turn.