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Its true. I am moving again.

As some of you may remember, last November, I moved out of my apartment with my, then, boyfriend to get some, literal and figurative, space. Boy did it work. I moved into my one bedroom basement apartment with purple sparkle walls and mini oven and found everything I was looking for. Within the first two months I found myself. The me that was so wrapped up in some one else that I couldnt face forward if I tried. And then, immediately after finding myself, I found my strength. The strength I needed to stand up for myself and take what I needed, which turned out to be my independence. After the first of the year I found myself single and living with only my dog.

And I was happy. I was thrilled. I would go to work, come home and do whatever I wanted. I could sit on the couch all night and watch girly shows til I fell asleep, I could edit until 4 in the morning, I could drink wine and pig out on junk food all night and I didnt have anyone to answer to. I loved it. And I did this for about six months. I recovered. Not really from the breakup, but more from what I lost durning the relationship. I picked up the pieces. I nurtured myself. I got mad at myself. Then I forgave myself. I babied myself at times and kicked my own ass at others. I questioned myself and found answers. I vowed never to let myself get to certain places again. I got lonely. I learned to find company within. I felt things, really felt things for the first time in a long time. I woke up. I became alive again. I found my passions. I found myself. 

Then, came June. Im not sure what did it, but in june I began craving people again. I wanted to be surrounded by people and fun and commotion, you know, the complete opposite of what I had been surrounded by for the first half of the year. I reconnected with my group of friends, also known as "friendship club". A group of 15-20, depending on how many are currently in the country, of the most amazing people I know. I was immediately welcomed back like I had been there the week before. Every wednesday is "friendsday" in this world. We all get together and do something awesome. It really might just be an excuse for us to all hang out in the middle of the week but it is not a minor thing. This weekly get together became the next thing the doctor ordered for me.

I became a part of a family this summer. I have known half of these people for a very long time and the other half were fairly new friends. While the group has always been tight, something amazing happened this summer and I will be forever grateful for coming back in just in time to be a part of it. This summer we all became family. We were there for each other in ways that we didnt know were possible. We were mirrors for each other, showing the good with in and the things that needed to be brought to the surface and addressed. We learned, together, to fully appreciate every little thing that we have. I have never had as much fun. I have never been so aware of how amazing life truly it. There is not enough space to describe what we have been through these past months or what we have, period. There are not even words big enough to describe the beauty and growth that we all encountered this summer, together. You will just have to take my word on it.

So, as summer began to close in on me, I once again listened to that voice inside of me when I asked what I wanted next. I dont want to live by myself any more. I still want to be surrounded, I want this summer to live forever. So I have found a house in SE Portland with three friends! And amazingly enough, we are four blocks from a house that just today was filled with four more members of friendship. I am beyond thrilled for this next move.

I am very sad to leave this place though. I do worry. I have found and learned so much in this space. I became whole again here. I fell in love with myself here. There are moments of doubt, moments where I worry about slipping. But I know that I can take care of myself now. And I know that there is a reason for me to be with all of these people now too. Its a good feeling. Listening to yourself, having the courage to follow your own voice and the confidence to know that it will take you to the place you need to be.

To the next move!

moments

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Im shaken. Completely rattled. In a good way. Im in love with life and its unexpected turns. Its tossing me around and im tumbling beautifully, just enjoying the ride. Im so happy its hard to breathe. This happiness halts me, physically stopping me in my tracks, and forces me to take it all in. I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now. Not everything is going right though, there are things going wrong, failures occurring, and things being neglected, but everything is wonderful. Every single thing is beautiful. My perspective is perfect. Every misstep, is still a step. A step in my direction, whatever that maybe. Its nice to take my foot off the gas for a while on this journey, slowing enough to appreciate while still progressing. Im loving life. Im loving myself. Im loving every moment.

My days...

My days have been so great lately. Today was simple and lovely and I couldnt have been happier. 

 It was so sunny today that little O and I hung out on the steps outside waiting for Samsons school to get out. And just to fully clear things up, these little lovebugs are the kids I nanny. I am not a mother yet, though I would be proud to call these kids my own. They really are 2 of the greatest kids ever and I love them so so much.

This on the other hand is my baby! He has recently discovered that sticking his nose through my sunroof is one of lifes simple pleasures. Just look at that face...I love him so much it hurts.

Oh Hi! Yep. Im still here!

 Rachelle // Palm Desert

So yes, I am back from my road trip. It was absolutely wonderful. But, since being back I have had a few of the roughest days Ive ever had to deal with. First, I came home to find that I was locked out and could not get into my house until the next day. I broke down. After being gone for a week and a half all I wanted was my own bed and to get settled for the week. Luckily, Dex and I were taken in for the night and not left on the streets with all of my stuff. The next morning I went straight to work and Puppy stayed with Phil. A few hours later I get a call that Dex is very sick. I sent him to the vet and they started working on him and trying to find out what was wrong. No luck there. Long story short, after hundreds of dollars they couldnt figure out what was wrong. He was still bad but sent home with me for the night as they do not keep dogs overnight and I really couldnt afford to take him to the overnight animal hospital. I took him back the next day and it wasnt until we walked into the vet that he began to perk up. She took his temp and since it was down said he could go with me instead of being hooked up to fluids again. I had to do a food trial with him last night and keep a very close eye on him. But as of this morning I think he is gonna be fine. Still not 100% but on his way. I am just so glad he will be ok, I dont know what Id do without him. 

And now I am getting back into the swing of things. If you are expecting an email, you should get it soon. I am also ready to put up my new sponsors tomorrow!!! YAY! I am still accepting last minute donations and sponsorships if you are interested! PLEASE consider it as Japan is still very much in need and every penny counts! No donation is too small! Just email me fivethirteen.blog@gmail.com Thanks!

And dont worry. I will be posting about the epic road trip as soon as I can!

Ukulele

Today I bought a ukulele. I have always adored the way they sound, so light, so happy. I went into the music store to get new strings for my very old guitar (I decided to finally take lessons and learn how to play it) But when I saw the ukuleles there on the wall, the next thing I knew I heard myself say, "I'll take that one." I am so in love already. I found an amazing website Ukulele Underground, and have already learned some cool stuff. Although, my baby hands are still too small to form chords in any sort of graceful way, but im trying.  I dont know if it is anything special but I love it so much. I think we are bonded already. I am hoping to learn and actual song:) Wish me luck.

one weekend. one throw-away camera.

My weekend through a throw-away camera!

Girls Night Out with old & new friends!

Lunch @ Lucky Noodle! My favorite!

Time with the FAM!

big dog in a little bed 

(sung like, "fat guy in a little coat")

Headin Home

Such a fun fun weekend!

What did you do?

Happy Valentines Day...

Please remember this.

Because this is all that matters today.

This is all that matters everyday.

Oh brother. (continued)

My house is empty. He's gone. My brother left today. Not defeated just tripped up. Unfortunately my landlord doesn't want him here, I won't get into all of that, but I couldn't be more heartbroken. I hadn't realized how far away from each other we had gotten. We really don't know each other, not deep down, not as much as I have always wanted to. But these last two weeks have been great. He finally let me in, a little, and we got to hang out, really hang out. We got to just be with each other and I can't believe how long it has been since we have really done that. I am so grateful for the time we did get though. I just wish I could have done more for him, given him longer to figure it all out. I wanted more time with him. I hope so badly that he finds a direction and his purpose. He is my brother, my constant, and I need him to be ok. Not just for him, but for me. Today, I am just devastated that the chance for him to find his way along side me was taken away and there is nothing I can do about it. While I am sad, and lonely I am keeping faith that everything happens for a reason and he will be fine. But for tonight I am laying on my couch across from the love-seat he would be occupying if he were still here, and i am being sad. I am looking at my clean home and missing the clutter, and the corner where his stuff had landed that is now only collecting dust now and letting it all set it. Tonight I will be sad and tomorrow i will be ok. Or at least I will try.

...

story of my life.

Remember when...

Remember when we were just friends and we would tell each other everything?
Remember when you made the cd? The one that showed your true feelings. By accident.
Remember when you couldn't be my friend, not the same way, and I got mad?
Remember when I gave in and let it's all happen? Let us happen.
Remember when we kissed on the corner, in front of everyone cause we couldn't wait til my apartment a block away?
Remember when we drove to the beach, last minute, in the fall and drank wine from a box?
Remember when I tackled you in the video store and made out with you on the floor, and just didn't care?
Remember when we would go to the same resturant? Over and over again. And loved it.
Remember when we would drink wine every night and get lost in shows together?
Remember when I couldnt sleep and you drove to two stores, at midnight, to find the right medicine to ease my pain?
Remember when we stayed in on new years?
Remember when we felt so safe with each other?
Remember when there were thoughts of forever?
Remember when we could fall into our own little world? Just us.
Remember when the rose petals stained?
Remember when we were just perfect for each other?
Remember when one kiss could take all the pain away.
Remember when we were enough? Enough to fix anything.
Remember when we were great?
Cause now, that is all I can remember.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Juliette & Hayden

This weekend I went down to eugene and did a photoshoot for one of my dear friends Juliette and her daughter Hayden. I have shot Hayden before but I was very excited to photograph the two of them together. They are both so beautiful and have such a light to them. I have been wanting to share more about my photography so here goes. Here are just a few images from the shoot. I love them all but the first ones are my favorite from the day.

I'd love to know what you think. 

Any favorites?

To my sweet, sweet followers...

I just wanted to say just how much you all mean to me. Just knowing you are there keeps me writing. But then, all of the wonderful feedback so many of you take the time to share, that is what keeps me here pouring my heart out time and again. My blog has become the most amazing source and outlet. It has been a bit of a shoulder, a friend even. Corny, I know, but so many of you have inspired me and showed me your hearts and I feel so blessed. I read every single comment and email. From the quickest hello to the long heartfelt messages.

But most of all it is the knowledge that what I am sharing and putting out there is actually helping. Some days I get messages saying that a particular quote is just the thing they needed to get through the day. Which is usually the reason I post them too. Timing is a funny and powerful thing.

And then there are days like today when I hear a story that makes me think, awww, it really is all worth it. Today, a good friend and follower told me that after she read one of my recent posts (you all know the one, the big break up post) and she decided to send the link to her cousin. Apparently her cousin has been struggling with the decision to finally get out of a relationship that just wasn't best for her. She had a hard time because she truly and deeply cared about this boy but knew it wasn't the right thing for her. After reading my post, something clicked and gave her the confidence in her decision to end things. I don't know any more than that and while I am not happy about a relationship ending, I am thoroughly grateful that my experience was able to help some one else choose what was best for them. I have no idea what part of my writing sang to her but I am glad it did. It is stories like these that help be push that publish button after opening my heart and crying over a keyboard. Each time I wonder less about what everyone will think. I slowly stop wondering what the people I know will say and start wondering how many people I don't know will end up relating or benifiting from my small feat. The feat of sharing my life, in it's entirety, with others. With everyone.

This is why I keep writing. This is why I post the good and the bad, the inspiring and the defeating. Because somedays I am here to bring you up, and others, you are here to bring me up. I truly appreciate all of you. While I write for me, I keep writing because of you.

The break up post.

Ok. Here goes. I'm just gonna get this out there. Rip the bandaid, ya know?

As many of you have guessed, by either my recent inspirations or the lack of his title lately, the boyfriend and I have broken up. After a year and a half, we decided that where we were heading and the way we were getting there was just not the best for either of us. For whatever reasons my best friend and I started growing apart and were no longer acting as the great allies that we once were for each other. While we both wish it could have gone the other way I know that deep down we both agree that this is the best thing for us at this point in our lives.

My heart is heavy. I'm losing a best friend. The person i have turned to first every day for the last year and a half. The person that has taken better care of me than anyone else. The person that could make me laugh at the first sign of sadness. The person that took my breathe away and made me feel more loved than I have ever felt before. The person that has been by my side, constantly, consistenly. That's the hardest part. The selfish part. I'm sad for everything I am losing.

My head is going crazy. Mostly for everything I'm giving up. I'm giving up a future of knowing that someone would ALWAYS be there for me. I'm giving up the person I know in my heart will be the most amazing and selfless life partner and father. I'm giving up my biggest supporter. There have been moments I feel insane for willingly giving up this person. He is truly amazing.

Lastly, and luckily, my head and my heart are hopeful. I am hopeful that while I am losing and giving up all of these things, that I am also gaining many things. I am gaining some much needed independence. I am gaining strength through all of the heartache and pain and standing up for what I need. I am gaining peace, where anxiety and tension had temporarily moved in during those last months. But most of my hope still lies with him. I hope he will be ok. I hope he is gaining everything I am and more. I hope he heals and finds a better and more deserving counterpart. I hope he gets everything he wants and needs. And still, I hope he will be my friend again. Someday.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

...my best friend & I