>

her real life wasn't enough.
or it was too much.
either way,
she needed to evade.
even for only a handful of moments.
so she did.
she disappeared.
not literally, not entirely.
she watched from above.
disconnected.
her body flowing through the familiar motions.
her emotions sitting still with their aerial view.
not judging.
not really feeling.
she just watched, observed.
gathered.
she went elsewhere in her mind.
she needed out.
for a little while.
she would be back.
almost like she never left.
almost.
but for now, she needed to
go.

books..

all.

"Where ever you are - be all there."  -Jim Elliot 

Still.

The ceiling spins. The walls pulse. Its smells like freshly cut grass and must. Tears fall melodically down my cheekbones and pool on the blue rug, the same one my hands are clutching. My knuckles feel white.

My chest might explode, I cant handle this. I change my mind, but its too late. I hate this. All my breath is caught in my throat, imprisoned. Tortured. Im heavy. My limbs immovable. Cemented. I dont deserve to stand. It hurts. 

A bluish burn dances on my skin. Everywhere. Searing. Mocking.

I feel nothing. And too much. Im scared. Im sorry. Im selfish. Im here now. No matter what. 

We could have been great. We could have been everything. But you'll never know.  

I turn my head and see the clock on the wall saying its barely started. I turn my head again, this time, landing my cheek in one of the warm pools of graying tears. My gaze falls on the blue knob of the dresser and stays there as I wait for this to end. For the pain, this feeling to go away. 

Its been three years today. Im still waiting. 

adjust.

Unreal.

wow. breathtaking. 

best.

More than a friend. More than my best friend. She's my sister. My soulmate. My counterpart in this world. We get it, each other, all of it. The good, the bad, the best. We are matching contradictions. Unconditional and unwavering. 

An effortless friendship born in adolescence, only grew stronger as we grew, side by side. We've had each other longer than we haven't. 

I have her face memorized. One glance can speak volumes. I protect her and she looks out for me. 

Her laugh motivates me. Her fears tear me up. Her silences snaps me back. Her tears are my tears. She is a part of me.

We were made for each other. We're meant to be together. 

She's the best friend for me. 

anyway.

Familiar.

>

It's easy. Easier than it should be. We slip quickly in to that old rhythm, guard up then down, testing the waters. Tonight, we give in. Let the walls fall as we melt into each other. Familiar doesn't begin to describe it. Like remembering the words to a song you havent thought of in years. Realizing its been there the whole time. Each touch brings a comfortable thrill. Each breath reels me back in. Your lips match my memories. Exact. They're all still there, your easy smile, the curve of your back.

Stillness takes over. Your words flow cooly, unsteady but consistant. I take them in slowly, sip after sip. Filling with things I didn't know I was looking for. Our fingertips, like magnets, keep finding each other. Leaving me breathless on impact. I feel dizzy and controlled.

We continue for hours. Spinning, careful and unfiltered. When I trip up you take over. We make sense, of things, the past and each other. Its different than I imagined. More than I expected.

You've been gone for hours and I still can't catch my breath.

So I can feel again.

>

I'm taken over.

Filled with nullity.

Aching for more.

Bliss.

Melancholy.

Rage.

More.

Tonight.

Tonight I lie backbone to floorboard.

So I can feel again.