So, like, what if I come back?

Not just a post, but a holiday post even!

Im home in Eugene with my family and its feels great. Im actually NESTLED next to the Christmas tree. You could stick me on a fucking holiday card if I were watching something other than Sons of Anarchy. Tonight we will have our usual group over and tomorrow will be just my family. I am just so happy to be home and to have my brother here this year. Im looking forward to the last days of the year and then for a fresh start. 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Why live when you can rule?

The other night I went to see The Kings of Summer with Grady and Dylan. I was excited, the preview looked good and it seemed like one of those movies that would leave you feeling inspired, which is the best kind right? We saw it at Laurelhurst Theatre right around the corner from my house. And it was so much better than I expected.

First of all, it was hilarious. It was even funnier than the trailer let on. Consistently had me laughing. It was smart and witty and involved. The main character was mildly reminiscent of a young Joseph Gordon Levitt and I thought the entire cast was great. And in the end I was definitely feeling inspired. I highly recommend it.

It doesn't interest me...

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The Invitation - by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,”Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

And I'm off...

--->

Im off to Eugene as soon as I gain the courage to attack the holiday weekend traffic. Im shooting a wedding tomorrow then spending some quality time with my family and a few friends. Im also bringing the laptop along as I have heaps and heaps of work to get through! It should be a lovely weekend!

What are you up to this weekend?

"OCD" a poem

This poem performed by Neil Hilborn shook me up from inside out. It is heartbreaking, honest and beautiful. It reminded me just how much I love and appreciate poetry. And Neil is obviously a force. I loved it with everything I have. Please take a moment to enjoy.

perspective.

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Today...
I found out that the mechanic wants 300 dollars to fix a little hose that is extremely hard to get to.
My back is on fire from a "maintenance" chiropractic adjustment on monday and it was just fine before.
I am so tired for the 8th day in a row that it is hard to simply function.
I have a long todo list that just seems to grow and grow.

Today...
I am grateful that these are my only problems.
I am comforted knowing that things ALWAYS work out for me.
I am hopeful that one more good night of sleep will do the trick.
I know I am exactly where I need to be.

At the height of my stress and feeling overwhelmed about, seemingly, everything, I took a moment to stop. I became overwhelmed with a new feeling, a feeling of gratefulness. Honestly, things are not that bad. I have problems, yes. There are lots of things I have to just buck up and deal with. But in the big beautiful picture, things for me are great. I have everything I truly need and the support, resourcefulness and determination to survive if that ever changed. I am happy. And now I can add that I am proud. Proud of not getting so wrapped up in my problems to miss whats really going on. Im getting tossed the little obstacles and lessons I am meant to deal with today.

Count every beautiful thing...

27.

(me, last week in NYC)

Yesterday I turned 27. Seriously, holy fuck. Where does the time go? First of all, how can 27 sound soooo much older than 26? Really, somebody tell me. Secondly, how could I have spent the whole last year accidentally saying and thinking the number 27 when asked my age, and yet, now that its true, I feel utterly shocked at its legitimacy. So far, 27 is confusing as hell and quite the mind fuck. Not a fan.

Enough about 27, let us go back and discuss 26 some more. Please excuse me while I pat myself on the back for surviving my 26th year. Honestly, on paper, this past year may not have seemed very "stand out" but it was quite the doozy. I think the reason may be that a lot of it was spent in my own head. As a chronic extrovert, I dont think I have ever spent as much time acting like an introvert as I had over the past year. I looooved my alone time this year! There were lots of overwhelming experiences, feelings and thoughts and that is usually the only time I tend to shut into myself. Looking back I was pretty overwhelmed. 

But it wasnt all bad. Sometimes I just need to step away from people and things to fully be alone and settle down. Thats when my mind can calm enough to decipher and work through the big stuff. I always feel better after a good hibernation, I just think i needed a few more than average this year. This year was full of growing for me. Dealing with quiet challenges that sometimes only I knew was going on. I learned a lot about myself, and what I want and need out of life. I guess thats all anyone can ask for. 

I also had a lot of adventures and fun. So much in fact that I had a hard time documenting it all here. (something I'd like to get back on track with) I guess actually looking back now, I feel really good about last year. I think it was a time of tiny quiet leaps from stone to stepping stone. I feel closer to getting the things I have wanted out of life for so long. I feel a few fiery fears slowly fizzling out. I feel confident and ready. 

A few things I'd like to work on as I head into year 27...

Being better with my time. Efficiency has never been a strong suit for me. 

Allowing more time and energy for creative endeavors.

Keeping my internal confidence up.

Better communication with my main people.

DOING the big things I want to do. Fucking MAKE MOVES!

Being on top of all that grown up shit. 

Taking care of my health. (For my 100 year old self)

Working my momentum. 

Enjoying the moment. 

Well. There it is. A brief reflection. 

Bring it on 27.

backwards.

>>

If I read our story backwards, 
it's about how I un-broke your heart, 
and then we were happy until one day, 
you forgot about me completely.

Journey.

>>

Well, apparently I havent blogged since mid june and here I am sitting at the edge where July meets August finally taking a moment to write. I had every intention of blogging about all 30 days of my awesome, but obviously I didnt. I kept getting awesome though, I just didnt blog about it (or even instagram every time either.) Oh well.

I have done so much lately. I shot a wedding for two of my best friends last month. I went to the pool everyday for 2 weeks. I have been eating clean, with the exception of last week (gotta get back on that!) Its been a great summer so far. But it will be nothing compared to August. I am beyond thrilled with August.

It begins with some days off! Woohoo! Then I leave for New York on the 5th! I have never been before and I am so excited to see as much as I can. I get to visit two dear friends while I am there and I have some fun plans locked down so far. From NY I go down to Baltimore to shoot my first ever real travel wedding! So thrilled about this one! It is going to be beautiful!

Once Im back from NYC and Baltimore it will be my birthday! Not sure what we are doing yet, but Im sure it will be a blast. After my birthday is my little brothers graduation from his program and he gets to come HOME! I cannot wait for this one! You have no idea! Then there are a few more things in the works then its back to my fall schedule.

BUT.... Last night Grady and I bought our plane tickets to Central America!!! In october we will be going to Nicaragua and Costa Rica! I am so so excited. I havent been out of the country (aside from Canada) and I am brimming with anticipation!

There it is, a little layout of whats coming up. Two big trips for me, the person that has always felt like a "traveler" but has yet to actually travel. I feel overwhelmed with possibilities at this point. It has taken me so long to get here, but in the end, I think it will be worth it. Thats just the way my story goes I guess.